As I go about planning how I’m going to spend my time, conscious of both my need to rest and my desire to fill my day with things I feel are fulfilling and rewarding, I am finding it difficult to strike a proper balance. Since I stopped streaming because I had overburdened myself, I now have a bunch of time available. Sure, it used to be filled with something that I found enjoyable, but it was also frequently more draining than it was restorative. Right now, I’m trying to keep this time clear so I can actually get the rest I need to recover from the past eight months, but I’ll admit that I’ve already begun to think about what else I could be doing with that time. It might seem like this is happening too quickly, but I’m pretty surprised that it took two whole days, one of which used to be a streaming day, for me to get to this point. Normally, I’d have expected myself to start planning what I could do with this “extra” time before I’d even made the decision to stop streaming. I dislike feeling like I failed at something, after all, and it is more difficult to feel like I failed when I stop doing something if I can convince myself that I can now do something else of equal or greater importance to myself. It isn’t more restful, though, so I’m trying to take it easy. And I mean actually easy, not “easy in comparison to my usual amount of effort.”
Everything I’m thinking about doing though, feels pretty distant from today. I’ve made some plans with people to try out Pathfinder 2nd Edition with two different GMs and entirely different crews of players, but those aren’t happening until August. And sure, I have a wedding reception thing to go to this weekend (a midwestern gathering for the couple who got married on the east coast in May), but I booked a hotel room with a hot tub in it (not entirely by choice, since I forgot to sign up in time to get a room with the party’s block, but I will finally be able to make good on all those thoughts I’ve had of just sitting in some warm water to soak for a long time) and I intend to go to exactly as much of that party as I want to and not a second more. This is mostly the groom’s family, all midwesterners, and I am not going to push myself to stick around a family that stands a decent chance of reminding me of my own biological family. Plus, it’s at a hotel with a small water park attached to it, so there will probably be a lot of people vanishing from the party to enjoy the ammenities. It is Summer, after all. I doubt I’ll be missed by anyone other the the bride and groom and, as much as I would love to spend time with them, they will be pretty busy being the center of attention at this reception.
Other than that, I don’t really have much on my calendar. I don’t really have anything coming up, other than my usual rotation of tabletop games and work. Eventually, there will be more stuff, but I’ve got nothing already planned for the rest of 2023 other than holidays. Maybe I’ll use the time and energy I’ll (hopefully) have to work on a writing project, such as getting ahead in Infrared Isolation chapters or making time to start working on another novel. Maybe I’ll finally have the time and energy to write more poetry again. Maybe I’ll even figure out what I’m going to do on future Saturdays when I finally finish Infrared Isolation. Maybe I’ll even get a part-time job doing something to expedite the process of digging myself out of student loan debt so I no longer feel so pressured by rising housing costs. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get my sleep schedule sorted out and no longer feel constantly exhausted because I’m either too stressed to sleep or so busy trying to eke some enjoyment out of my evenings that I stay up way too late. Maybe I’ll start investing in lottery tickets and win enough money to settle somewhere comfortably so I can just write and create stuff with all my time.
Realistically, though, I’ll probably rest for a bit and then do some more writing. I’m also going to be trying to make some more friends, to replace the ones I’ve lost or left behind over the years, so maybe I’ll wind up filling my calendar with fun evening activities. Maybe there will be another group trip a bit further out than the September one that I’ll be able to go on since my finances will have recovered from moving and my increased rent. It’s all possible. I just don’t know what will happen. I’m trying to avoid feeling bitter about the future and the way it feels limited by my present circumstances, but it’s tough to do. This is why I stay busy, after all, so I can feel like I’m doing something to improve my life or my situation in life. I don’t like feeling as if I’m trapped or stuck by my present circumstances and it is so much easier to do that when you’re DOING something. Plus, even if it is true that I’m not very trapped and all I need is time to continue working my work through pretty much every problem in my life, that can be difficult to believe when I remember that I’ve been telling myself that for almost ten years.
Thus the difficulty with balance. If I don’t stay busy enough, I have to sit with these feelings and the thoughts that, maybe I should be doing more for myself. Which, you know, might be a good thing to do after all this time. I’ve good at compartmentalizing and avoidance. I can outmaneuver just about anyone in conversation, even myself, so maybe I should stop trying to run away from all this and deal with it. Sit with these feelings. Acknowledge them and process my emotions. All I know is that, if I don’t rest, I’m just going to be making things worse for myself and that my old way of doing things, the “balance” I used to strike, isn’t going to cut it this time. It was probably more healthy than some of my options in years past, but it’s maybe one of the least healthy options I’ve got right now. Which is comforting, in a way, since that sort of introspective and emotional processing thing is something I’ve got a lot of experience dealing with these days. It’s not for nothing that I’ve spent thirteen years in various forms and schedules of therapy. I’m actually pretty good at working through unhealthy reactions and coping mechanisms that used to be healthy and now are no longer in my best interest. I just need to apply those skills here. Maybe spend a little more time with myself and some things I’ve done my best to ignore for a long time. Probably couldn’t hurt, you know?