Today, when this blog post goes up, is the two-year anniversary of my return to updating this blog on a regular basis. The day I wrote this is the two-year anniversary of my return to writing regular blog posts. I started this period of blogging with a one-week buffer and, with a couple small exceptions, have maintained this lead-time ever since. I am incredibly proud of the work I’ve done over these past two years, the growth I’ve made as a writer (since this project and the one-week buffer was intended to give me a means to practice editing my own work and to improve my drafting abilities), and the discipline I’ve shown by sticking to it as much as possible without damaging my health or well-being. Turns out it is more difficult for me to do something on a limited scale than it is for me to do something more extreme. Updating this blog every day for over a year, like I did when I first started out, was mentally easy. I just had to do a thing every day. It became a daily habit, just like brushing your teeth or showering. Doing this five days a week with a single weekend update if I can manage it is much more difficult, since I actually need to plan my time out. After all, it’s easy to take a day off if you’ve got a buffer before you run out of blog posts. It takes way more work to keep the buffer in place.

It has been worth it, though. I feel like I have a better relationship with my own writing and with my desire to feel productive after this two years of work. I mean, the idea that I might voluntarily choose to rest and not fill all my spare time with projects was unthinkable years ago. Now I’m slowly putting it into practice. It’s a sign of my growth as a person and as a writer that I’ve been able to rest when I need it and work when I want to. I mean, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve talked to people about this blogging effort and how impressed everyone always is by the amount of work I do, but it’s just discipline. Years ago, I busted past my own conception of the myth of inspiration-based creativity and solidified my ability to produce on demand. These past two years, I’ve gone from being able to write on demand to being able to write well on demand on a much more broad range of topics. I’ve broken past the voice in my head that was constantly telling me that no one cared about what I thought or felt. I care about what I think and feel and since this blog is mostly for me, an exercise in expression with an intended audience of myself, that’s all that matters.

Which isn’t to discount the audience I do have. I meant this blog for me, but I still I hope that the things I write resonate with people. That people find some comfort or use in what I’m putting out there. I have no way of knowing, mostly, since folks don’t really comment (which is the side-effect of a journal-style blog, since this is mostly me just expressing my thoughts and feelings, not offering up opinions to discuss, media evaluations to debate, or media in search of analysis). I know that I have been getting more and more views lately, for reasons I can’t fathom (my posting habits haven’t changed much, beyond which sites I share things on), but it’s nice to know that people are looking. I don’t know what they think or if they do more than briefly glance at things, but it’s nice to know something I did caught someone’s attention for at least a bit. It’s very validating, even if that’s not the reason I’m doing this.

I was actually talking to my therapist about this recently, about how I’m fairly intrinsicly motivated. The habit formed in my childhood, since very little I did was recognized or praised by my parents and I needed a reason to keep going. It eventually became a bit unhealthy, since I frequently felt like I had no value unless I was setting and meeting goals, but that’s how most coping mechanisms work. They’re healthy and life-affirming until the reason they’re there is gone and then they usually become incredibly unhealthy. Still, it was helpful to eventually realize that while I definitely enjoy external validation, I don’t need it. I can provide my own validation rather than being reliant on others or on creating unhealthy dynamics that provide it. As long as I stay focused on that, and on providing it to myself in a more healthy manner than I used to, then all I need to do stuff like this blog is a decent amount of discipline and enough time in my day to use it.

That said, I’d like to take a moment to recognize a familiar bit of external validation that I get almost every day. There is one user who, for longer than I can precisely measure (over a year, at least, if my guess is correct), has liked almost every single blog post I’ve put out. I have no idea if he reads them (but I like to think he does, given that the right amount of time passes between the post going live and the earliest I’ve ever gotten the Like notification), but he still makes sure to like them at some point in his day. It is a nice, warm, supportive feeling of consistency that I appreciate. Jay, if you’re reading this, I hope you know that I appreciate your consistency and attention and I’ve told all my friends who care about my blogging efforts about the one guy who likes all my posts. You are a rockstar and I appreciate you.

Honestly, I have no idea how much longer I’ll keep doing this. Maybe the rest of my life. Maybe until I get tired of my domain name being constantly mistaken for edgelordian sensibilities rather than a philosophical statement about the nature of expression and the way that any communication is an exact reflection of two people sharing an idea in a specific moment of time and no amount of craft or repitition can ever completely recreate that ever again. All I know for certain is that I have no plans to stop any time soon and that I hope I will only ever write more than I am now. Which should start happening soon, actually. The writing more, specifically, since I’m getting closer to fixing my sleep schedule and that’s the only thing holding me back at this point. Can’t write more if I keep dosing off at my keyboard!

So here’s to two years, to personal growth, to growth as a writer, to Jay, to my friend who edits and reviews all of my fiction and poetry, and to whoever you are, reading this. It’s been a terrible two years but at least I can say that I don’t regret the things I’ve done or how I’ve spent my time. This blog is pretty great and I am happy I’ve done as much as I have. Let’s hope this carries on for at least two more!