As someone who frequently works long hours at a job that takes either absolutely no focus or every ounce of attention I can muster, one of the most difficult problems that invades the later portion of my day is hunger. I’ve dealt with it before, usually in much more difficult situations overall, so this isn’t a problem in the way that my insomnia is a problem. It’s more of a problem in the way that my penchant for flipping between the same few websites when I get distracted is a problem. It tends to mostly impact my mental health and my ability to stay focused on whatever I’m doing, which in turn impacts how frequently I wind up flipping between websites or taking a break to do a little writing. It’s ignorable if I have the spoons to put into the effort, but when I’m working a bunch of ten-hour days in a row (or eleven-hour days, like this week as I cope with an unexpected confluence of schedule disruptions), I’m usually better off saving my spoons for something that isn’t a problem I can solve with a little foresight and planning. For most of this past year, that has looked like bringing an apple and an extra banana to work every day, so that I’ve got a snack when I start to get hungry in the mid-afternoon (three hours after I’ve eaten lunch) and then a second snack, if needed, for when I start to feel hungry in the late afternoon or early evening.
Continue readingMonth: September 2023
A New Favorite Artist Six Years In The Making
Years ago, (no more than six according to what I’ve been able to find, despite it feeling like much longer ago), I heard this strange song about a person on a plane watching someone beside them write an email while they waited for the plane to fill up and taxi away from the gate. It was interesting, since it was fairly long for such a light song and it felt like such an incredibly human experience to immortalize in song. It somehow walked the line between fantastical and entirely real in a way that left me wondering if the performer was drawing on a lived experience or if they’d made the whole thing up. I didn’t really keep track of the song and it faded from my consciousness until a couple years later when I found a video circulating around Imgur that was someone’s senior project, an animated music video of a cover of the song that changed the gender of some of the characters in the story. It was a lovely video and it reminded me of the song I’d first heard a couple years prior. This time I looked up the artist for the original song and learned that the song, Dear McCracken by Bug Hunter, was just one part of a larger collection of music, available via YouTube videos and various music platforms. I am pretty sure I made a note to myself to listen to more of his music, but this was the summer I separated from my family and I lost track of a lot of things that summer, this artist included.
Continue readingAction and Consequence in Pursuit of Mourning
My grandmother’s funeral was on Friday morning [here’s a periodic reminder that I write these a week ahead of them getting posted]. It was at half past eleven in the morning at a church I’d never heard of before, despite driving past it many times as a child. My extended family, in a series of decisions inscrutible and unknowable to an estranged member like myself, scheduled every part of the process of saying goodbye, wake to funeral to post-funeral lunch, all in one day. A long twelvish hours for everyone involved, from time they had to rise to prepare until they all arrived home or at least had finished going their separate ways for the day. I rose at six, following a night of poor sleep–my waking hours filled with anxieties about what being spotted at the funeral could mean and my sleeping hours filled with frenetic, fragmented nightmares about what going unseen at the funeral could mean–and shuffled my way through my morning routine. I left fifteen minutes late, pushed to almost half an hour by the time I finished getting gas and enough caffeine to keep my tired mind awake for the drive, but arrived five minutes early by only taking a single bathroom break during the two and a half hour drive, and that only when I’d gotten within quick driving range of my destination. Also speeding. Lots of pushing the speed limit during the empty mid-morning hours of my inter-state travel.
Continue readingSea Of Stars Was Worth The Wait
The very first thing I did after finishing Baldur’s Gate 3 was start playing Armored Core 6. The second thing I did was stop playing Armored Core 6 and start playing Sea of Stars. Armored Core was fun, but it was more intense that I was up for in the first full week of September since it had been just over twenty-four hours since I learned my grandmother was fading and I just did not have a grindy, punishing game in me. I’ve since learned that AC6 is a lot easier to play if you do it super aggresively, with a heavy emphasis on melee combat, so I think I’ll have a better time when I go back to it, but I needed something calming and Sea of Stars seemed like a better bet. Plus, since I bought it on my Switch, I’d be able to take it with me anywhere I needed to go. This turned out to be the right decision, though I suspect my sleep schedule would be in better shape if I was playing AC6 since I doubt I’d want to stay up super late playing that. Sea of Stars had been described online (mostly by people posting on forums and not at all by any advertisement coming from the game’s creators) as being similar to Chained Echoes and while I think the comparison was useful since it got my attention, I think it really does both games a disservice. Sea of Stars is wonderful and a joy to play in its own ways that have absolutely nothing to do with what makes Chained Echoes one of my top recent games.
Continue readingI Finally Finished Baldur’s Gate 3
It took over 130 hours, but I did it. I beat Baldur’s Gate 3. I finished every sidequest, explored every map, fought almost every enemy (there’s some parts near the end where fighting every enemy will get you killed because there’s no end to the number of enemies that will appear to fight you), and finally brought an end to my Dark Urge character’s story. Shadowheart and my character were in a committed, monogamous relationship, my character had denied their Dark Urge so hard it got yote from their body, and everyone lived. I want to append “happily ever after” to that last statement, but I’m pretty sure that Lae’zel is either going to get herself killed or attempt to conquer the Material Plane. Also, while Karlach lived, the jury is out on whether or not she gets to be happy (her ending cinematic was the only one that felt particularly fulfilling, I’ll admit, since all the others felt kind of just “over”). I fought hard to bring what seemed like the best end to the story I began on August third, exactly a month and a day later, and I’m pretty sure it all played out as well as I could have hoped. I mean. as well as I could have hoped given the circumstances. Everyone grew a little bit, no one became an evil megalomaniac, and we all saved the day.
Continue readingWe’re Finally Starting Heart: The City Beneath Next Session
We finally finished The Ground Itself. Our final ten showed up as our second draw and then, as we wrapped up the game, I moved us into talking about what our first session of Heart: The City Beneath would look like. I checked in with my players, asked about some thematic stuff, and then pushed us into talking about characters and how to tie all the excellent worldbuilding we’d done to the systems and nouns of Heart. While Heart was in our minds the whole time we played The Ground Itself, we were still using a bunch of the nouns that I’d come up with for the core worldbuilding proposal, not to mention the plethora of nouns we produced in our game, so we had to slowly work through the mechanics of Heart and lace the disparate elements together. It required some careful work, since we were also pushing through character creation at the same time, I had a hard out an hour before our session was typically done, and I had some other stuff going on that was distracting me, but we got through most of it. I’m sure there’s plenty more that will need to be done on the fly as we play, but that’s just part of the game. Can’t have it all built out beforehand or else we’re not leaving room for us to play the game!
Continue readingThere Are Too Many Mechanics In My Baldur’s Gate 3 Storytime
I finally passed one hundred hours in my save file of Baldur’s Gate 3. I’m really not sure how much time I’d have logged to the game if I could somehow account for the lost progress due to crashes or the hours lost to reverting back a couple or more save files because a choice without sufficient context was going to ruin my experience with the game. I don’t mind reverting in these cases, given how what sometimes feels like a flippant or jokey answer in a dialogue tree can wind up being taken very seriously and sometimes there’s a mismatch between what the game suggests will happen and what actually happens (which seems to be cranked up to eleven as a Dark Urge character). Overall though, as I’ve looked back at my one hundred recorded hours, I realized that a huge amount of that time was spent incredibly focused on the mechanical aspects of the game rather than the roleplaying and inter-character aspects of it. Sure, the ratio is probably much more balanced than most similar games I’ve played, but it feels odd at first blush to realized that it is closer to a standard video game RPG than to my experiences with the tabletop rolepalying game this CRPG was inspired by. As I’ve thought about it more, especially as I played last night, I noticed that, despite only doing one major fight last night, I spent about eighty percent of my play time focused entirely on mechanics. A couple percent of the remainder goes to puzzle solving and logistics and then the rest goes to watching dialogue play out and doing my best to roleplay my player character.
Continue readingThe Difference Between Mourning And Closure
Content warning for discussions of death, grief, and childhood trauma.
I wrote about some family-related stress a couple weeks back. I spent my therapy appointment between then and now working through my feelings on the matter and what I’d do in the future, which turns out to have been particularly prescient of me (and seems even more so when I add that my therapist was ready to cancel our usual every-other-Monday appointment for the week I wrote this since it was a federal holiday and I instead suggested we reschedule for a few days later that week, which turned out to be the day after I wrote this). My grandmother began to fade earlier this week and passed away today. I’m, of course, still processing this. All of the emotional preparation and complex feelings of relief and grief intermingled don’t make this any easier. Even my complex feelings about my family and how I have processed my feelings for them don’t really help since, ultimately, this moment is when it all goes from being abstract and self-enforced to being incredibly concrete and real. No matter how else I feel about her, my grandmother was a major part of my life for my entire childhood. She is in many of my oldest memories, even if they’ve taken on a more bitter than bittersweet cast as I’ve come to better appreciate the horrors of my childhood and the way my grandmother served as a source and focal point for much of the generational trauma in that side of my family.
Continue readingNo New Posts Today Or Tomorrow
My grandmother passed away on Wednesday and the funeral is today. As a result, there will be no post today or tomorrow. I should be back on something akin to my normal schedule by Monday, but we’ll see how it all goes, I guess.
Finally Playing A Pair Of Legend of Zelda Games In Sequence
In one of the latest updates to the perks provided by having a Nintendo Online subscription, the Legend of Zelda games Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons were added to the Game Boy Color section. As a child, I was obsessed with the dual nature of these games. They’d blown my mind by introducing the idea of transferring save data between them by putting in specially generated passcodes or by using a link cable when you started a new game. I was not quite ten when they came out and it had literlly never occurred to me that you might be able to bring something from one game into another one. While a soft continuity (some aspects of a game carrying forward into another in a way that subtly influences your experience) are still fairly common, I don’t know if I’ve played another game that is quite so drastically influenced by including data from another. Technically speaking, I’ve never played any game that is this drastically influenced because while I’ve played both games, I was never able to play them sequentially.
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