Every so often, I just have one of those days where I forget to take time for lunch and wind up clocking out, turning to grab my bag, and noticing my lunch is still sitting on my desk where I left it when I got into work that morning. Today was one of those days. When I got in to work, I went to my desk, unpacked my bag, and then left to go check on the test I’d left running overnight. Three hours later, at twelve thirty, I returned to my desk for the first time. I left seconds later and didn’t come back for another hour. After typing up a quick message, I left again and didn’t go back for another two hours. When I stepped away to go get some files off my testing laptop, I got swept up in a “let’s go have a meeting at the local ice cream parlor” event and didn’t get back to my desk until almost five. So all I had to eat today, before I came home and ate dinner, was my fiber supplement, a Nutri-Grain bar, my daily coffee, and a scoop of rainbow sherbet at the ice cream parlor. All despite running around so much that I felt like a disgusting, sweaty mess before I’d even gone on my daily walk, much less worked several more hours and gone on a 4-mile round trip bike ride to a nearby ice cream parlor. And I was so tired by the first time I realized I’d never eaten lunch at 3pm that I just wasn’t hungry anymore.

It was one of those days that just keeps getting worse, on average. Sure, the little bicycle trip for a treat with my coworkers was fun, but I came back and buried myself in a project document that aged me about a decade because of the impact I knew it was going to have on my life. If you read yesterday’s post, you know that I was already feeling worn out and entirely done with this bologna because two of my coworkers tried to pull me in to act as the go-between for them. While neither of them doubled down or attempted to get me involved again, I did finally read the project document and decide that, just maybe, everything I’ve been happily avoiding for the past nine months will be coming back into my life. I’m just so tired of trying to help and being ignored or shut down. I’ve got a lot of useful experience and I’ve developed a keen insight for project timelines and pitfalls that, despite having a nigh-immaculate track record, is still universally ignored. Now, this isn’t going to be a disaster or anything, it’s just going to be a huge amount of work and it’s exhausting to even contemplate it. I can feel my heart sinking further and further in my chest as I type this. I’m not going to get specific, since I absolutely will not do anything to draw attention to (or from) my employer, but I just can’t stand feeling like I could contribute if people would just listen when they’ve made it clear in the past that they have no interest in doing so.

We’ve got a meeting to discuss this project on Monday and it feels like half the people who should know to listen to me, and who might have backed me up, have coincidentally decided to take a day off of work. I doubt they’re all choosing to skip out on this meeting specifically, but the thought is difficult to ignore given that none of them announced their days off until after the meeting was scheduled. Regardless, it’s not like they’re hanging me out to dry here. That’s just a coincidence. No one does that on purpose, after all. I’m just unlucky that it keeps happening to me since I’m one of the few outspoken and frequently vocal people on this side of the team. As you can tell, it’s difficult to not feel bitter about it all, given the long-running themes of my time at my job, many of which you can glimpse in the poetry I’ve written, and while I want to reassure myself that it will be fine, I know better. I may have only one small thing to say, since I’m trying to limit my involvement, but I do not think I will be able to say it without stirring some kind of response intended to shut down this mode of thought [and oh, how right I was]. I doubt it will be mean or cruel, but it will still be trying to close off the thing I’m trying to say because everything here seems to think I’m a relentless naysayer. Again, despite how I’ve been proven correct every time.

It’s just so exhausting. I’m not going to quit over it, but I might go back to ignoring the rough shape of the tech industry right now and start trying to apply for at least three jobs a week like I used to. It’s not like things are likely to ever get better in any lasting way while I stay here. I just wind up working more hours and fighting to avoid moments that make me feel like my entire soul just burned to ash in a single moment as yet one more cycle of this horrible wheel lays itself out before me, demanding I step forward since I refuse to ever give up without a fight. I do not know what the point of pressing me to be more involved outside of the nuts and bolts of my job was if I’m just going to be ignored or shushed every time I dare press back against an unfounded claim. I’m just so tired of feeling like everything I do is pointless. I miss feeling like my work matters and like people value what I think or know.