I recently (aka, two days ago after one hell of a delay due to so many convoluted bits of bullshit) changed up the medications I’m taking and have been knocked on my ass more completely by this change than by anything but that time I got the flu back in 2019. I spent an entire day basically immobilized once I discovered that the medication didn’t make me weak, it just SEVERELY limited the amount of energy I had in a day. I literally worked out and then immediately discovered that I was so worn out that I had trouble walking down the stairs. Needless to say, that and another side effect ensured I spent the day working from home as much as I could manage. The other side effect was some stomach stuff, no worse than my lactose intolerance inflicts on me when I fail to manage my dairy intake properly, but the muscle weakness and exhaustion were incredibly defeating. Since then, I’ve been slowly recovering. The stomach issues are mostly gone (though apparently eating more than a couple cashews makes me nauseas now?) but the severe limit on my energy has been slower to depart. I wisely didn’t complete a full workout yesterday, which meant I was able to get through almost an entire day of work before the exhaustion drove me into my chair (which is a problem considering that my desk at work is a standing desk, isn’t adjustable, and my chair is meant for a sitting desk). Today, I managed a full workout and am still standing at the end of the day, but I can feel the exhaustion starting to bear down on me. Literally the only thing making this tolerable is the knowledge that, ultimately, even if these side-effects diminish beyond this point, I can stop taking this medication eventually.

I genuinely did not expect to get my ass kicked this severely. Sure, I have a tendency to run into most of the listed side-effects for any medication I’m taking and a few of the rarer ones, but they usually only show up for the first twenty-four to forty-eight hours that I’m taking the medication and then my body adjusts. That’s still mostly true here, even if the weakness is looking like it’ll linger longer than I’d like (though hopefully a weekend of getting enough sleep will fix that since I’m sure at least part of this is a result of how poorly I’ve been sleeping these last few days), but it still caught me by surprise how drastic this was. I was not expecting complete and utter exhaustion. I expected soreness and maybe reduced physical capability, not running out of spoons so much faster than I expected to, with a physical inability to borrow more from the future. Nor was I expecting one of the meds to smell kind of like the maintenance closet at public pool, but that’s apparently fine and normal and part of why the stomach problems are a common side effect. It’s a really weird experience, if I’m being honest, and not one I’m keen to repeat, so much so that I feel a moment of hesitance before taking my medications even though I know exactly why I’m taking this and have complete faith in the doctor who prescribed it (who has been the most friendly, well-informed, inclusive, and absolutely stellar doctor I’ve ever seen and I’m sad I’ll only be seeing him for the limited run of this prescription course).

I mean, I’ve heard enough horror stories and had enough bad experiences on my own to not have complete and utter faith in a doctor I’ve never dealt with, and to be wary of those who decide to chime in outside of their areas of expertise or otherwise reveal themselves to be lacking in critical thinking skills (like the doctors I’ve heard about who are somehow anti-vax????). I absolutely don’t trust all doctors just like I don’t trust all people. I have no desire to allow myself to be led into poor health choices by someone who doesn’t have the time or energy to give me the care I need. Sure, this is likely a symptom of the terrible healthcare “system” that exists in the US (where profits are prioritized over people, meaning doctor pay is much shittier than it used to be and there’s fewer doctors per patient in most healthcare facilities than there used to be) and I don’t always blame the doctor for being rushed, hurried, or at their wit’s end, but I’m absolutely not going to let myself be treated poorly just because their day has been rough. I’ll do what I can to advocate for the care I need and exercise the privilege I have to take my healthcare needs elsewhere if I’m not being treated properly, but the unfortunate truth of the US’ system is that you don’t always have that choice.

Thankfully, I am getting great care and feel confident that I’ll get through this admittedly rough course of medications with the results I want. I just have to keep going for a while longer and stick through the rough patches like this past week. Thankfully, the cure of any of the nausea I experience on these new meds is to eat a solid meal (which I’m supposed to do not long after taking them anyway) and I can just avoid eating too many cashews now that I know that they’re definitely the reason I’ve had those two bursts of nausea. And who knows, maybe being actually physically exhausted to the point of having to decide if I can make it up and then down the stairs one more time at night will mean I’ll start going to sleep at a better time each night. Maybe I’ll even sleep more soundly now that it takes decidedly less work to physically exhaust myself every day. I mean, hell, being this tired and unable to borrow spoons from the future means that I’ve awoken positively refreshed the past couple mornings, even though I didn’t sleep even nearly enough either night. Sure, it still took a while to get out of bed, but I managed it and got a full workout in today. Maybe I’ll feel even better tomorrow after a full eight?