A year ago today, as I’m writing this, I was frantically double-checking my packing lists, my driving plans, and my flight details. I’d just had one of the most stressful months of my life, as I realized my original flight plans had been messed up, had to scramble to cancel my flights and book a new one in its place, and had to figure out how to change my plans to incorporate a thousand-mile drive into both ends of my first trip overseas. After all, I couldn’t afford to to get a convenient flight from anywhere to where I was going. I could, though, afford to take an extra few days off, drive across the country (there and back again), and sleep in my car (at rest stops, of course) during the long overnight drive. I had already budgeted for work on my car’s breaks, after all, so it was clear that the more affordable option was to spend time rather than money. I have more time than money, most days, so it was a pretty easy calculation to make. I also had to spend hundreds of dollars on new clothes since nothing even remotely nice looking fit me anymore, which made March of 2023 the most expensive month of my life. Even with some hefty student loan payments (ramped up as part of accelerating my repayment plans) and my much increased rent hitting my bank account every month this year, I don’t think I’ve topped out that monumental month of costs. I was stressed, barely getting enough sleep, and had lost some pretty significant chunks of my support network the month before, so I was barely scraping by. Still, I got everything done, didn’t have to spend money I didn’t have, and made it safely to the east coast even on the tiny amount of sleep I’d gotten the week prior. I made it, despite everything.

A year ago today, as you’re reading this, I was getting off a plane in Spain. I could feel the growing heat and humidity as we went through customs and eventually wound up waiting in an open-to-the-outside air luggage area as the whole group camped out on a bench to await the arrival of the final member of our party. I was tired and not really in the mood to stare at a screen more than I already had, mostly because I could feel the heat radiating off my skin as I did my best to not sweat through the clothes I was wearing. I had gone from feeling stuffy (cramped) to stuffy (warm) and all I could think about was how nice it was going to be to finally stretch out in my room. I was excited for the trip and everything we had planned, of course, but everything was still an abstraction. I was massively sleep deprived, on the verge of dehydration, and nervous about spending the next week around a group of people I barely knew after spending almost three whole years without more than one or two people in close proximity. It was a lot to take in, even with the promise of some amazing architecture, delicious food, and a friend I hadn’t seen in-person in almost a decade.

Aside from the two weddings I was a part of, that trip was the highlight of 2023 for me. I got to do so many new things and meet so many new people. I became friends with someone that I’ve grown incredibly close with over the year since then. I took one of my favorite photos I’ve ever taken. I got to fulfill a major life goal by running a game of Dungeons and Dragons in a castle. I got a glimpse of what life could be when your government isn’t full of massive shitheads and actually does at least a little work for the benefit of its constituents. I played a lot of fun games with friends, saw a dear friend I hadn’t seen in almost a decade, came face-to-face with my biggest fear of the trip and emerged unscathed, and got to spend a weekend in the mountains. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses, though, since I came face-to-face with my biggest fear of the trip, did something that upset the friend I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade so much that we’re still not talking, had to face down my fear of heights as I was spotter/copilot for my now dear friend as she drove us up the mountains we spent the weekend in, had a very negative emotional reaction to an art exhibit, and never got quite enough sleep. It was a bright enough experience that most of the dark spots within it tend to fade out when I think back, but it was an absolutely wild ride the entire time and for weeks afterwards. I spent the entire month of April going to bed before midnight, waking up naturally as the sun rose or just before my alarm, and getting what felt like actually enough sleep even if I didn’t really get to control when it happened or how much I was getting. So much changed in April of 2023, for good and for ill, and it all started with that trip.

Now, today, whether the day I’m writing this or the day you’re reading this, I find myself thinking back to that time and wondering what, if anything, will happen this year that might even approximate the experience. I don’t think anything will actually come close, but there’s always the chance that something could match the general pattern of its peaks and valleys. All I’ve really got planned for this is a summer trip, some big projects at work, a major change to my blogging, and… well, not a lot else. I’m still contending with the fallout, positive and negative, from my trip to Spain, so it isn’t necessarily a bad thing that this year might be more quiet than 2023. A restful year would be pretty good, if I could actually make that happen. A less hectic and eventful year is certainly a must, though. I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to do anything as big as my trip. I’m not sure I could handle any kind of life events with tails as long as the events from 2023. I need small things. Encapsulated things. I need to find the small joys and pains of life and work through them in equal measure.

Which is pretty difficult given the frequency of the pains thanks to the side effects of one of the medications I’m taking and the growing uncertainty that it is working as intended. This broad, uncertain future feels more uncomfortable than the rather certain future I saw at this time in 2023. After all, I have no major events to plan life around. No moves, no long-distance traveling, no major events. Just the mundanity of a modern life with my one to two minor vacations, my adequate living situation, and my small collection of very close friends. All of which are very nice, of course. It’s just difficult to appreciate them all the time when I’m dealing with their equal weight in life pains and sources of stress. Bright and dark spots in equal brilliance mostly just cancel each other out, after all. A smooth plane when I think back on them rather than the peaks and valleys of 2023. A quiet nothing year compared to the “most” year of 2023. Which, like I’ve already said, is something I need this year. I just wish I had some opportunities for peaks without as many valleys, I guess.