Time for my now-traditional post with a sampling of the journaling Haiku I wrote over the course of last year! This is my third year in a row doing one of these posts, so I feel confident calling it a tradition now. As usual, each of these haiku is titled with the date it represents in my journal, which means you’ll see a few with the same name. These similarly-titled haiku are not necessarily thematically linked, but they sometimes are. The point of journaling in haiku format is to force myself to really focus on what I’m feeling, how I’m feeling it, and what all comes with those feelings, so I try to avoid writing multiple Haiku as that kind of defeats the purpose of thinking it all through until I can express it in three short lines of text. But the human condition is rarely that concise and while I love giving myself unnecessary restrictions and rules to follow, I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes rules are meant to be broken and sometimes coloring outside the lines can serve to highlight the moment of deviation as an intentional and important choice.
So here’s a bunch of notes from last year. I’ll warn you now, it was not a great year for me. 2023 was the “most” year I’ve had in my life, maybe, but 2024 is the one where I’ve been the most miserable, which feels like it really says something if you know my personal history… I spent most of it dealing with some amount of constant pain, had a period of sleeplessness that mirrored my teenaged insomnia burst (which I often refer to as the grey/cloudy period of my life), and had such a significant reduction in my personal spoons that I could barely make myself reach out to talk with my friends online. Everything was a struggle at the best of times, thanks to the pain and other side effects of the medication I was on, and yet it was also the most physically demanding year I’ve had at work so far. I tried to avoid picking only the miserable, unhappy haiku, but avoiding all of them would have meant not doing a year-in-review post. So, with that important bit of context in mind (and absolutely no additional context since that’s kind of the subtextual point of these haiku: personal emotional expression devoid of full context), here is what last year looked like in my journal.
(1/2)
I’ve let a lot go
As I’ve pursued enough rest
To begin again.
(1/7)
Another morning
That only starts after noon
In warmth and comfort.
(1/8)
I wanted to run
But I stumbled this morning.
I did not fall, though.
(1/14)
Cold but warm inside
I consider coziness
But choose gaming stress.
(1/21)
Stress invades my dreams.
I can’t even imagine
A world without it…
(1/28)
I can feel myself
Being warped by all this stress.
How long can I last?
(2/5)
I wish the weekend
Had held more for me than the
Time between work weeks.
(2/7)
Staggered Exhaustion
Rises and falls through the day
As I feign focus.
(2/11)
Today is the day.
I hope this new game goes well.
Only time will tell.
(2/14)
Roiling emotions,
Rage, pique, and vindication,
Rule my heart today.
(2/21)
It is good to know
That I wasn’t imagining
The way things have changed.
(3/1)
Pacing in my cage,
Anxiety beats the bars
Until my ears bleed.
(3/4)
Deep, lingering pain
Ties my hands behind my back.
I cannot yet act.
(3/6)
Eventually,
These meds will have run their course
And I will be free…
(3/13)
I am not surprised.
I should have expected this
To happen again.
(3/13)
It is a small thing
That still occupies my mind
In its entirety.
(3/20)
I set a record
For the speed of my morning.
I’m still short on time.
(3/22)
I do not know why
I argue with all of them.
Conviction compels.
(3/27)
Echoes of bitter
Remnants linger on my tongue
In an empty mouth.
(4/1)
My nightmares chase sleep
And sleep flees from both of us
As I fail to rest.
(4/8)
I’m playing catch-up–
A game I will never win–
With my own schedule.
(4/15)
Sacrificing sleep
Demands something else be lost.
I’ve lost track of what.
(4/19)
Old failures returned
Beget a morning of rage.
I prefer coffee.
(4/22)
I would hate today
If I were just capable
Of feeling at all.
(4/29)
I feel only dread
As I plan to talk to her.
Why do I do it?
(5/2)
Bone-weary body
Falls in line with firm habits.
I bend but don’t break.
(5/9)
It has been a year.
All I’ve gained is the knowledge
That she could choose this…
(5/19)
I’m clearly setting
A dangerous precedent
By staying up late.
(5/23)
My faltering steps
Tell me this cannot go on.
Do I have a choice?
(5/24)
More thunder rumbles
In the litany of spring:
This new song of storms.
(6/1)
I’m always too tired.
I’m always worn to the bone.
I fear this won’t end…
(6/10)
Bone and soul weary,
I seek comfort in the wind
Until my nose runs.
(6/13)
My sore body creaks
In a way my worse worn soul
Will never cry out.
(6/18)
Three more days until
I can maybe get some rest.
Three more busy days…
(6/19)
Two days of effort
Are all that separate me
From my vacation.
(6/20)
One last burst of stress
Has me hurried and harried
Like nothing before…
(7/8)
Reflective silence
Has drowned all the days between
Back Then and Here Now.
(7/8)
I’ve learned something new–
Or perhaps not really new,
But learned in new light.
(7/8)
How do you improve
When you must run counter to
The grain of your soul?
(7/22)
Lost in a morning,
I taste the heady summer heat
And let it still me.
(7/25)
First thing on my mind
Is not the problems I’ve faced,
But my name’s meaning.
(7/25)
What is in a name?
It is empty of meaning
Beyond meaning me.
(7/25)
What is in a name?
Syllables often shouted
To send me running.
(7/25)
What is in a name?
A plan laid for my future?
Only in hindsight.
(7/28)
It feels like heartbreak.
The wearing, rending, scraping
Of lifelong burnout.
(8/1)
A new month begins
The same as the last ended:
Laboriously.
(8/10)
I attempt to trick
My back into better sleep.
My results are mixed.
(8/11)
My day runs its course,
Filled with friends and so much fun
My heart overflows.
(8/18)
One of thirteen down.
I try to not count the days,
But can’t help myself…
(8/20)
What feels like mercy
Might only be a new pain
Sneaking up on you.
(8/30)
Today is the day.
Finally, a new mattress.
Here’s to better sleep.
(8/31)
It’s not a good sign
I woke up with new back pain.
Inauspicious start…
(9/9)
I stayed up too late.
At least my back doesn’t hurt.
I can’t keep this up…
(9/12)
Steeped in exhaustion,
I swim through this burnout brew
In search of escape.
(9/18)
Mini-van cruising
At a blistering top speed
Speaks to the zeitgeist.
(9/21)
Never enough sleep
To feel properly rested,
Just enough to “live.”
(9/27)
Desperation pulls
At the bottle I’ve ignored.
Sleep, but at what cost?
(9/28)
My drug-addled mind
Feels just like too little sleep.
Did it even work?
(9/30)
Whisper sweet nothings
Like rustling leaves in fall
Until the end comes.
(10/1)
A final farewell
As I watch Cohost shut down.
Dry-eyed but mourning.
(10/08)
What does a day cost?
Lingering sunlight allows
A chance to do more.
(10/11)
Overslept again…
My alarm staying silent
Was a gift this time.
(10/17)
I don’t feel rested.
I don’t think the time wasted,
I’m just still so tired.
(10/20)
Another late rise…
I’d feel less bad about it
If I felt rested…
(10/28)
I can only blame
My own determination
To meet my dumb goals…
(10/29)
It’ll be over soon.
Just two more short days to go
And then I’ll be done.
(10/30)
One last hectic day
As I sprint for the finish
I set up myself.
(10/31)
It was not worth it.
I crossed the finish line but
It cost me too much.
(11/3)
Was it a mistake?
Can it be one when it’s the
Only choice I make?
(11/6)
This is not the end.
This is some kind of ending,
But not the last one.
(11/15)
I need to sleep more.
I know this, and yet I choose
Late nights of Veilguard.
(11/18)
The weight of a year,
Felt in aching joints and bones,
Is dragging me down.
(11/18)
I long for the days
Before I knew this deep pain
Constant within me.
(11/28)
The more time passes,
The more I wonder if life
Will just stay like this…
(11/30)
It would be weird, right?
I’ m pretty sure it would be
Weird in a bad way…
(12/4)
Soon, it will be done
And then I can stop thinking
About death and stuff…
(12/5)
I direct my life
With quick drawings in the sand
As the tide comes in.
(12/6)
I feel ragged… at:
The edge of my sanity;
The end of my rope
(12/9)
It is time to go…
Something ends, something begins,
And I labor on.
(12/11)
I’m wearing as thin
As my patience for bad jokes.
Yes, they’re related.
(12/13)
Sheer exhaustion rules
With an iron fist while I
Collapse from pressure.
(12/17)
There are some days where
Centering myself is just
Aspirational
(12/18)
Creaking, rusty bones
Demand stillness and comfort.
Instead, I must move.
(12/18)
I can’t stand being
The only person who sees
The likely outcomes.
(12/19)
I cannot tell where
The pain begins and I end
As I fall apart
(12/26)
Final chores to prep
For hosting my two siblings
Are done one-handed.
(12/28)
Everyone slept in,
But I find myself awake
Despite my efforts.
(12/31)
A whole year later
And it ends as it begins:
Rest or ambition?