Well, since I’m writing this a day later than usual (on the 17th instead of the 16th), I’ve now made it through two increasingly demanding weeks at work. I got through my first exhausted weekend, started this week feeling fresh, and immediately pushed my limits as far as they could go every day I could. I spent four days doing a huge amount of testing, recruited anyone who was willing to help me, and made it through about fifty percent of the testing I needed in about a week. I also completely exhausted myself such that, despite sleeping pretty decently last night (thanks to choosing to work less and sleep more the morning I wrote this), I’m ready to fall asleep at my desk. I even forced myself to take a day off testing, to rest my poor hands, my give my aching body a break, and to focus on denying my ever-present desire to be horizontal rather than any amount of vertical, but I’m still struggling to stay conscious and alert today any time I’m not actively doing something and half of the rest of the time. It’s a nice exhaustion, though. I feel sleepy and ready for rest rather than uncomfortable and in pain like I was for most of last year. I can be still and the lingering pains will cease or I can move and stretch and feel my body loosen up. Truly, it is a remarkable thing to be recovering after so much time of just being miserable.

Now, as I go into a weekend of rest, some online socialization, and turn my mind towards next week, I wonder what it will look like for me. Physically speaking. There’ll be the other half of the testing to do, which will probably require me to do a bit more than I did this week, if all other participants stay constant, but I’ll have had a week of training and a long weekend of recovery behind me. This should leave me in better shape to do whatever I need to next week, assuming I don’t wind up spiking past what would be reasonable limits on day two like I did this past week. I should be able to put in another solid week of work so long as I don’t suddenly get worse for absolutely no reason (which is the nice thing about all this stuff being tied to medications I was taking: there should be no way for things to get worse again since I’m not taking them anymore). I SHOULD be able to improve on this week’s testing. I have high hopes for next week since I’m still feel pretty good today and that’s after an exhausting week that left me too tired to do much in my evenings. Even a month ago, I felt that way even without doing as much physical activity as I did this week. What a change a single month can make.

One of the interesting side effects of all of this–my relative physical inability of last month and prior, my recovery this month, my ability to push my limits again, and getting my coworkers to help with this testing–is that I have a much better evaluation of my physical capability in general. I mean, even when I was in rough shape, I was still able to do a decent number of cycles when the time called for it. I could do ten to twenty a day and sure, that would wipe me out, but most people who aren’t in constant pain can barely manage five before they’re ready to give up. I bet they could do more if it was their job and they were as willing to push through the pain as I am (a somewhat obligatory disclaimer that I’m very good at telling where the “moving is difficult because my body is stiff but not incapable” pain ends and the “this is demanding more of my body than it can give me” pain begins to the extent that my physical therapist has exclaimed about it multiple times during the last three months of working together), but it is surprising to see how quickly even the workout guys give up. I am the first to tell anyone that this will be more physically demanding and tiring than they expect, but I can do ten at a go without too much of an issue (other than hand pain) and while I know I’ve been preparing for this for months, it still feels strange to be overperforming everyone by as much as I am. The guy who has done the second most of these does them like it’s his job to do them (which it is, to a slightly lesser extent than it is my job) but after that, I’ve done five times as many as the person in third. Just really goes to show what I consider my baseline of physical capability and how that has probably expanded quite a bit beyond what most of my coworkers expect from themselves given that I’ve been working out so consistently (ignoring last year) for about four years now.

It’s just really nice to feel as powerful and strong as I used to believe I was. Ever since I started working out, I’ve been able to expect a certain amount of physical ability from myself and losing access to that for about year due to the medication I was on was a huge blow to my sense of self and my confidence. Now that it’s coming back and I’m able to perform at about what I’d expect myself to be capable of again WITHOUT leaving myself exhausted and unable to do much of anything for multiple days, it really feels great. I wouldn’t say that this has fixed me or anything, but it sure has taken a massive weight off my mind and I’m looking forward to continuing to rebuild my confidence and sense of self. Wild, to think of how many body issues I had over the last year and how quickly they’re all going away as I find myself returned to the version of myself that I was in my head before all of this pain and inability started to break that image apart. Turns out that it being temporary and an unfortunate side effect of something else I needed and wanted didn’t help me deal with it as it invaded every single aspect of my life. Really makes you think about how miserable that kind of life can be and how even basic functioning can quickly fall apart in the face of inescapable pain.