Skipping a session is a pretty common occurrence in both of the tabletop games I’m running these days, but rarely do we still meet up only for met to cancel the session half an hour in. The exhaustion I’ve been dealing with hasn’t diminished much and the advent of Daylight Saving Time has teamed up with it to render me constantly exhausted. So much so that, during the first day of their teamwork, I was fighting the urge to doze off WHILE running the session, mid-sentence! In my own defence, it was going to be an abbreviated session since one of the players was out sick and another one had, just that day, told the rest of the group about their decision to withdraw from the campaign due to scheduling conflicts. I just planned to do a bit more work fleshing out some details, maybe give my players the chance to expand a little bit on the time skip we’d spent the previous section abbreviating, but I ran out of steam after doing some magic item work and answering a few questions that came up in the time between sessions. It was rough, admitting that I didn’t have it in me to even do what I’d said I wanted to just half an hour earlier, but all my players are very considerate and I was more frustrated with how tired I felt than self-conscious about needing to bring up my inability to run the game.

I’ve been struggling with my energy levels for a long time now. Even between medications, I was still recovering from how exhausted and burned out I was last year, so I feel like I just haven’t been at my peak in ages, especially with how often work has been demanding everything I have to give. Despite all that, though, I managed to keep running games. I only cancelled once or twice, when I just did not have it in me, and now I’m hitting a point where I am willing and excited but my body and mind seemed to be betraying me. It’s frustrating, to say the least, to want something you know you should be able to do, but to be unable to do it because your body has decided that all time is sleepy time and you’re just never going to feel awake or particularly alert ever again. Sure, I don’t have the brain fog that usually comes with exhaustion like this, but having mental clarity only really helps if I’ve got the energy to do something with it and I sure do not have that. I’m writing my second blog post of the day, this one you’re reading, and I’m wondering just how much I’m going to be paying for it tomorrow given that I’m doing this on top of a busy but not demanding day of work during the week that time changed, my sleep schedule is out of whack, and I’m desperately trying to get back into my normal workout routine since that has fallen by the wayside in the face of how tired I am every day.

I’m not sure how long this phase of things is going to last. My doctor has said I should stay on my current dose for another three weeks (two, as this is getting posted), but I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it that long if things don’t start improving here soon. I spent so much time last year exhausted, in pain, and abysmally drained that I’m not sure I can even take one of the three again, let alone what amounts to two of the three most of the time… I’m genuinely hoping that things improve soon. I’d really like to not be trapped in a nightmare of my own design because I had the audacity to want to try actually dealing with some of my body’s problems by seeking out common treatments for them all. I feel bad complaining about it when it’s something I’m willingly subjecting myself to, though that’s certianly not going to stop me from doing it. I can do things and just feel guilty about them, after all. I was raised Catholic.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with The Magical Millennium. The player might return someday, when their schedule is less busy or when they feel like they can make Dungeons and Dragons a higher priority in their life. I’d like to get a fifth player into the group, but the one I had already lined up never got back to me (though she did in the middle of me writing this post, thanks to a follow-up message I sent, but it was mostly to confirm that she’d be unable to commit to a campaign right now) and I’m not really sure else I know who might fit the vibe of this group. I got pretty lucky, bringing all these folks together, and I’m just not sure if I’ve got any other players who have the roleplaying desire and depth the rest of the group has just oozing out of our every session. I’m sure I’ll be able to find someone eventually, but I’m always a little nervous about disrupting an existing dynamic without a high degree of personal curation, which I won’t be able to bring to bear here because I just don’t know anyone who’d fit. I’m all out of Heavy RolePlayers in my list of Known Players and I don’t want to just toss any old person into this group since not everyone is up for as much roleplaying and internal conflict as this group seems to have embraced. For now, I will try to rest and keep my eyes open for another candidate.