Well, I got one decent night of sleep. Went to bed at my usual weekend time, fell asleep right away, and slept for a solid eight before I got up on my own and started my day. One night isn’t a lot, but it’s better than nothing and it hopefully signals the approaching end of this period of insomnia. I didn’t sleep as much the following night, but then I was up late editing videos for the absolutely smashing opening to this year’s Cross Realm Wrestling (the Final Fantasy 14 roleplaying wrestling league I’m recording and editing events for) season. That was a choice, as was waking up after not enough time so I could spend time with my siblings, so I’ve only got myself to blame for that one. Last night’s relatively sleeplessness, though, was back to good ol’ insomnia. I sometimes wonder if I have trouble falling asleep at night because I spend so much of my day struggling to stay awake, but that thought is really depressing so I try not to spend too much time on it. I mean, it’d make sense, you know? I’m constantly struggling to stay awake and putting a lot of effort into not falling asleep during the day, so maybe I’m just training myself to not fall asleep easily. Which fits last night’s sleeplessness really well. Lot of dozing off and then twitching awake, lots of shifting my legs to try to find a comfortable position without any pain for me to focus on. And a lot of desperate thinking of topics I can’t remember as my brain just fires off thought after thought so my brain can’t truly wind down. If that’s not at least a part of my sleep issues, I’d be genuinely quite surprised.

I’m still hopeful that my two nights of quickly falling asleep are a sign of improvments to come. Even at my best, I usually have a restless night every week or two, so if I finally managed to get through the worst of my sleep problems, that might be entirely out of character. I mean, I’ll know the answer long before this post goes up, but I’m trying to cut down on how much time I spend spiraling about my own problems so I probably won’t change this post or write about it again this week. I can’t promise that, but I’m sure gonna try. In the meantime, I can definitely say I’m less anxious. Things aren’t really better in any aspect of my life, but I feel like I’m starting to make some progress and getting through four solid weeks of fifty-hour work-weeks has done a lot to make me feel more stable. Who knew being able to set aside economic anxiety (at least briefly) would help make everything else feel more manageable. I hope it won’t be “briefly” but I got my lease renewal information last week and it’s complete dogshit, so I’m probably going to wind up moving unless I can somehow manage to talk the rental company that owns the place I live in down from some of these increased costs. Because my actual rent isn’t changing much, but they’re forcing me to take on built-in internet service (mostly-likely worse than what I’ve got currently), increasing the costs of indoor parking, and doubling the fee for renting one of the storage units each month. All of which is dogshit because it’s not like the garage or storage units have changed at all, nor are they doing anything to address the water that occasionally backs up into the garage (and, if it gets bad enough, the storage units), so I really don’t think I should pay anything more until they’re actually providing more of a service.

I am extremely doubtful that I’ll be able to accomplish any of that, which means I’ll be apartment hunting while also job hunting. I’m very much not excited about any of this but at least there’s no real uncertainty here. I’ve got my next steps cut out for me, I know who to contact, and I know what I will do based on how my landlord will respond. I’m just going to need to make sure I don’t take any easy weeks any time soon and maybe hold onto my money rather than overpay my student loans so I can afford to move later this year. I just wish it wasn’t happening at the same time as job hunting. That’s a lot of hunting to be doing at once and it would really suck to get a new apartment and then land a new job that would require me to move elsewhere. Moving multiple times in quick succession sucks. If I knew it was going to happen before I signed a lease, though, I could probably figure a temporary thing out, but it still wouldn’t be very fun. I hate feeling like all of the stability in my life is disappearing (which is probably part of what’s contributed to my inability to sleep well these past few weeks), but it’s not like I’ve got much of a choice at this point. I can either stay in a job where I’m miserable for yet another year while I hope for things to change or leave for hopefully greener pastures. I can either stay in my current comfortable apartment and pay another one hundred bucks a month for basically jack-shit or try to find somewhere new to live that will be just as comfortable but maybe less expensive.

All this is making me feel tired again, so that’s my cue to stop thinking about all that and get on with the job hunting. And start drafting an email to my apartment manager. And start looking at what apartment listing internet services are worth a damn these days. Some day, I will be able to live somewhere for longer than three years. Some day I will find a home I can properly settle into. Some day. It’s exhausting. Three aparments in my first three years in my current location and then a new one every three years since then. Little hope of ever buying a place at this point, unless I land a job that pays significantly more, anyway. That feels unlikely but who knows. Maybe things will turn out well for me this time around. It’s bound to happen eventually. I can’t just spend the rest of my life coping with one bad situation or another. That’s just statistically unlikely, to say nothing of how much emotional fortitude that would require…