I finished unpacking over the weekend. I still have some cleaning to do, and there’s plenty more stuff that will get done in time such as hanging lights, putting up art, figuring out if I need more rugs, and deciding what to do with my balcony. All of that is work that will take weeks and isn’t really a part of unpacking. It sort of is, in the case of the art and lights, since I packed those up for my move, but none of them are things that I feel inclined to do immediately the way I felt the need to empty boxes and get things situated. In short, I’m done with my immediate grind and while there is work to be done on the horizon, none of it needs to be done today or tomorrow or even this week. Now, finally, after an exhausting four weeks, everything is done and I can finally rest. And I’m finally out of obligations for the year, so hopefully I can actually get some this time.

Things are rarely so clean-cut, though. As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, I’m not very good at resting. Part of it is the need to feel like I’m making progress or accomplishing something in order to silence the anxiety and doubt that runs rampant within me, but part of it is knowing that the past several years have absolutely destroyed my coping mechanisms and the ways I used to rest. I am working on figuring out how to rest now, but that’s difficult to do when I’m this physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I was so overwhelmingly exhausted and I’m not sure if that’s because my mind is clouded by the exhaustion or if it’s because I’ve blown past my usual insomnia-based frame of reference.

It will be a while before I can do much, though. Right now, I’m trying to avoid anything physically taxing (skipping a few workouts and I plan to resume them in a couple days at a bit of a reduced capacity). There isn’t much I can do about the various mental and emotional drains I’m dealing with. I’ve already done my best to work on them in a positive and healthy manner to no avail, so anything further is outside of my control. Other than some options I’m not sure are choices I’m prepared to make at this point, anyway. As much as some of this stuff might suck, I’m not ready to cut loose the relationship that went from being a source of relief to one that has become a constant source of stress over the last two or three months (which is not something I’ve written about here prior to this post, I don’t think). And while I could probably reduce the number of hours I’m working, reducing my mental, emotional, and physical strain, it would just add stress of a different sort since my overtime is the only thing keeping me financially solvent these days. I already had to go an entire month without it, thanks to my trip for the wedding and then my move. Sure, I had a financial buffer built up, but the past month of travel and various moving expenses have eaten through most of that.

For the next few months, the name of the game is to keep costs low, income high, and to rest as much as I can manage. As long as I can keep my expenses from getting away from me, I shouldn’t have to deal with any additional financial stress. As long as I keep up my overtime, I’ll make enough to not need to think about my bank account balance (beyond usual budgeting). As long as I don’t push myself too hard in exercise, outings, or social engagements, I should be able to at least slowly recover from the stress of the first half of 2023. I might not have much of a plan beyond “avoid new stress,” but that’s about all I can really work on. You know, more than I already am. Hopefully this relatively light focus will free up some mental space for more writing and storytelling. I’d really like to get back to having a regular TTRPG group and I would love to actually get ahead on Infrared Isolation chapters so I can finally get back to work on other writing projects. Not that I don’t love Infrared Isolation, I just want to do more than a single story. I want to finish it and move on to story more near and dear to my heart. Plus, I want to get far enough ahead in Infrared Isolation that I’ve got time to figure out what will come after it for my Saturday blog posts. Right now, I’ve got nothing in mind. Sure, there’s still about half of Infrared Isolation to go and my current rate of writing that means I’ll probably be wrapping it up in 2024, but I like to be prepared and that means figuring out what will follow before I run out of posts.

That’s for another day, though. Right now, I’m going to go do something quiet and calm by myself. I need the rest and I am so tired I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to actually accomplish anything else.