I was talking to a friend about how busy work has been, describing it as playing whack-a-mole with problems that keep popping up because the core issue causing all of them is the one mole that just won’t stay whacked. It was a bit of a humorous moment, given the odd phrasing, but the expression has stuck with me since then. I genuinely don’t think any other way of putting it would really capture the entirety of the situation. After all, it isn’t just that we keep finding new problems, dealing with them, and then immediately finding more problems, sometimes at a pace that we can’t keep up with, but that there’s an absurdly farcical quality to a lot of this work since we know that none of these problems will stay fixed until we figure out the issue at the core of them. It feels like playing whack-a-mole and then getting frustrated because the moles won’t stay whacked. We just don’t know how to fix the core problem, so all we can do is endlessly work through symptoms of it and hope that we eventually figure enough of them out that the game can end and we can move on to a different part of the project. It is a daunting and exhausting prospect to be working on, physically and mentally.

The almost constant mental and physical work required for this project has been cumulatively exhausting, beyond what even a restful, quiet weekend can recover. Little of that work over the past few weeks has been as intense or demanding as it was in the early days of the project, but I’d say the constant level of work is more draining from day to day than the peaks and valleys of last month. There’s little chance for me to rest, which I’ve needed more than ever as the medications I’m on have continued to sap my energy and make my joints ache and stiffen, so I’ve wound up getting less and less done outside of work with each passing week. Hell, I’m writing this post only two days ahead as I spend time between my book club and my next D&D session trying to cram as much of a blog post in as I can fit without spending energy I’m going to need for running a Session 0–which is the only reason I’m attempting this at all, since a session 0 takes a bit less effort and energy than most normal sessions. I just don’t have any time at my job to work on blog posts since all of my breaks need to be actual rest breaks rather than my usual “do something different” breaks. Thankfully, though, this might be changing soon since I’ve reduced the medications I’m taking after my last check-in with my doctor. This will likely mean taking them for a longer period of time, but I’m hoping that the side effects will be less severe. Or even negligible. I’ll take any reduction, though, even if it’s minor. I just can’t keep going the way things have been.

It really doesn’t help that, at work, we’ve got a few looming deadlines that are making everyone sweat. We’re probably going to just barely make it for most of them, but the constant tension has everyone on edge. It’s difficult to maintain the perspective we need to keep this project rolling when there’s so many problems and they all need to be solved immediately, if not sooner. I try to do that for my team, but its difficult to keep harping on that point when everyone’s already super stressed out. Still, it’s something I’m in a good position to do since I’m a tester and have to be involved in pretty much every aspect of the project already. I need to know everything going on and take good notes because I need to remember all of it later, when I’m testing, so I’m already collecting the information the rest of the team needs to stay grounded. Still, it’s a lot of extra work and turning my own notes and reminders into something the rest of the team can digest and easily use eats up what little rest time I’d have for other projects or personal work.

That said, the project’s interesting enough that I don’t really mind. I am fully aware that this idea and the related “I do this because I love it” is the core of how capitalism exploits workers and manages to underpay so many arts and teaching jobs, but it’s still true here. I also don’t get paid super poorly, thanks to my overtime pay, so it’s not exactly the same. I’m still cautious of being too open about that with my team and my boss, though, just to make sure that I don’t wind up taking on more than I can handle. Or at least more than I can handle doing on a very short turn around. I do way too much in the long run, but most of that stuff is fine not getting done until it either becomes suddenly more urgent or I’ve managed to finish all of the more urgent work. Which, you know, also isn’t a great way to work, but I think my boss expects us to work this way these days, since we’re still only three testers doing four testers worth of work. I wish I had a more clear line to draw here, between where this turns from just an interesting and engaging project into something I’m passionate about in a way that leaves me open to labor exploitation, but I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear so long as I’m not doing any work that isn’t compensated.

That won’t matter in two weeks, though (or I guess a week and a half when you’re reading this), since I’ll be away from work for another two weeks and getting all the rest I can between a trip with my siblings and a week of further rest at home. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with that second week, but I’ve got so many video games piled up on my to-play list, books piled up on my to-read list, and shows piled up on my to-watch list that I’ll probably figure something out. Or maybe I’ll do nothing and rest that way. It could be nice to do nothing for a while. I haven’t done that in ages…