I did not know spending a ton of money could be exhausting. I probably would have guessed as much if I’d really thought it through, but I didn’t and so the amount of sheer exhaustion I felt upon completing the last of my orders for new computer parts caught me by surprise. Mostly. I did set an entire day aside for planning out, researching, and then buying my new computer, so I clearly expected it to be a mentally arduous task. I just didn’t think that I’d have to fight my anxiety twice as I did it–first as I tried to figure out what parts I should buy and if they’d all work together properly and then second as I had to actually click the “place order” button in four different places. Once I was done, I wanted nothing more than to lay down on the floor in my apartment and do nothing for a couple hours. After all, between dealing with my apartment complex’s maintenance staff as they finished working on the leak in my closet and spending a bunch of money (that I’d set aside over the past year for explicitly this purpose), I’d done a lot of mental and emotional labor. I earned a rest. I earned some time laying down on the floor in an exhausted and unthinking heap. Instead of doing that, though, I ran some errands and did some laundry. Which is a lot like resting except for the parts where I was still doing stuff. Honestly, it was just nice to leave my apartment for a bit, before the next round of storms rolled through.

I haven’t spent this much money on any single thing since I bought a car back in 2014. Even my trip to Spain, while definitely more expensive in aggregate, spread that cost across a bunch of things (new tires on my car to cover driving to the east coast and back, a round-trip plane ticket, my part of the Airbnb costs, food, clothing, transportation in Spain, and miscellaneous other costs) rather than on any one thing. And sure, I technically spent all this money I’d saved up on fifteen different things, but all those things add up to a new computer and so they get bundled together into “new computer” when I think about them. Also, I had to add them all up to subtract from my little savings calculator so I could figure out how much I’ve got left in this weird little fake pool of money (I’m not opening another bank account just for my personal spending money). It hits all at once when you look at it like that, especially after spending three hours obsessively researching the computer build you finished mocking up at two in the morning so you could be reasonably certain you didn’t find a creative way to mess everything up that the computer build guide you were using somehow missed.

Despite my current financial security, which allows me to do things like save up for stuff like a new high-end gaming computer while also paying down my student loans at the cost of working too much overtime, I still struggle to spend money on things I don’t absolutely need. I’ve gotten better at buying some small “luxuries,” like nicer food items that aren’t actually the cheapest possible option, but anything that falls into the “not technically needed to support life” area tends to be more difficult to actually buy. That’s why I’ve been so much more stringent about actually spending my video game/book money every month this year. I might have more games than I can play right now (a thing that will likely stay true for the rest of the year at this rate), but spending money on the thing I’ve budgeted it for is an accomplishment when that something isn’t my power bill, rent, or insurance. I’m not exactly proud of myself for spending money on fun stuff, but I am aware of the growth inherent in me spending money and how that can be taken as evidence of my financial stability, a thing that is still relatively new to me. After all, I’d only really gotten there just before the pandemic hit and have been struggling to get back there ever since. It would be nice if I could be this stable without working fifty or more hours a week, but I’ll take what I can get. After all, there’s plenty of people out there who have to work more for less stability and while their misfortune doesn’t make my life any better, I was once a person like that and can really appreciate not living that life anymore.

Now I just have to wait a few days, keep my eyes on my email, and make frequent trips to my apartment building’s front door to pick up whatever parts get delivered. There’s a major US holiday in the mix, here, so I’m a bit uncertain if all of my projected delivery dates will actually be met. I really hope they are, though, given that I’ve paid extra to have everything delivered on a day that I’ll be at home (so things don’t sit out on the stoop for very long). It would suck if things got delayed until next week (or this week, given the day you’re reading this) and I had to take time away from work to wait for deliveries. Work’s going to be difficult enough without having to try to catch up on it all while I’m working remotely. It would be great for my constant background layer of anxiety if things just showed up on the days they’re supposed to so I can put my new PC together in an orderly manner and don’t need to hover around my front door while I wait for a few very expensive packages. I mean, I’ve never had anything go missing in this neighborhood, but I’ve never ordered boxes worth as much as these are. It’s a lot to think about and to mentally work through while I do my best to patiently wait.