I’m writing this on the 4th of July. As some of you might know, either those in the US who pay attention to the workings of our government or those abroad who pay attention to at least the major events of US politics, there have been some US Supreme Court rulings that have happened in the last few days that are going to have enormous impacts on the US. While a lot of people on the internet seem to find it surprising or odd that the Supreme Court might recreate kings in the US while also hamstringing the ability of federal agencies to do their jobs in the week leading up to what is supposed to be a celebration of the US’s original declaration of independence from unjust rule, I find it pretty in-keeping with how the Supreme Court has acted in the years following the rise of the far-right in the US. I mean, it was only two years ago that they took down the right to abortion for absolutely no logical reason, also just before July 4th, and their entire history of actions and behaviors has shown not only a remarkable lack of self-reflection or knowledge of how they’re perceived by the wider public but an extreme and remarkable callous lack of regard for any of the ways our systems of governance used to work, much less actual history (as opposed to the fantastical history they make up to justify their actions). It’s discouraging to watch all this play out, especially as someone who has done what is within their limited power to work against this sort of this (calling senators and representatives, sending emails and letters, and trying to stay informed on local politics which will wind up setting the stage for national politics), so I’ve spent a lot of time this week just checked out of what’s going on in the news so I can preserve my sanity and try to get some amount of rest.

Still, I can’t ignore it completely. As I’ve spent this US holiday resting, playing games with my friends, and going to a backyard barbeque my friends are hosting, it has been increasingly difficult to avoid the feeling that my country and its independence feel less worthy of celebrating than ever before (which to be clear, is a very low bar that it consistently fails to clear, worse with every passing year). It feels pessimistic to say so, since there is still a chance that things won’t get as bad as I fear they will, but I am genuinely unmoved by any sort of patriotic spirit and instead think that the US never really even had that good of a run. For a nation founded on slavery, strengthened by employing war criminals, and made dominant by being one of the best worldwide powers at modern imperialism, it has certainly had a run that made a lot of people’s lives worse. Sure, for a while there, it looked like things might continue slowly improving, but the people with the opportunities to codify and protect those changes never did anything and instead counted on their rivals being just as complacent as they were. Which, as we’ve seen over the past few years as the five decades of planning by the conservative elements that wish to put themselves permanently in power, was absolutely never the case. Too bad it’s too late to stop that easily, like they could have decades ago. Too bad they seem inclined to throw up their hands and give up rather than actually push back in any effective manner or start to dig in and do the work for building their own power and coalitions over the long term.

I do not think the US is worth celebrating. Some of the ideas that were a part of founding the country certainly are, but it is difficult to properly appreciate them when they included special carve outs so that people could still have slaves. It’s difficult to appreciate what the US tried to be in the face of all it failed to be and all it prevented itself from being by leaving room for those who would abuse power and other people to increase their own power, wealth, and status. I wish I could think of one thing that the US government did or does that would be beneficial or that I could unequivocally call “good” without deliberately looking away from some other horror, but I can’t. That might be my current pessimism and the feelings of hopelessness that drag me down as I sit in my office while people use this day off of work to shoot off fireworks in my neighborhood, but it might just be the truth of the country I was born into. We’ve been headed here since before I was born, after all. I came of age in an era where the world was drastically shifting from a place where older generations tried to make things better for their descendants to one where older generations were willing to sacrifice the happiness and potential of their descendants in order to live just a little more comfortably. There was no way I could really be or do anything I wanted, that was a lie my parents and older generations told to make themselves feel better about how much they worked to undermine their subsequent generations. My options (and thereby choices) for my life have all been ruled by the necessary ruthless efficiency of surviving in this economy.

This post might sound hopeless and like I’ve given up, but I haven’t given up and I’m not entirely without hope. I am without hope that things will improve smoothly or painlessly, but I think I abandoned that illusion almost a decade ago. All that has really changed is how tired I am and how deeply I consider my actions when it comes to things that might make my own life more difficult in the next five to ten years, should things continue to decline and people like me, who don’t conform to the gender binary some insist is fact, become persecuted or made illegal. It feels more and more likely with each passing year that something like that is coming and while I still see pathways out of those futures, it would require a lot more work and effort from those in power who seem content to wring their hands and kowtow to the latest pointless opinion piece from a media source that has completely turned against them. I do not know what the future holds, but I can see a few likely outcomes and almost all of them terrify me. Drastic change is needed and drastic change is often incredibly painful. I do not know what is going to happen in the next year, before my country’s nominal birthday rolls around again, but I do know that things will likely not look the same as they do now. We’ve passed the tipping point where things can stay the same and all I can really do is continue working as hard as I can and hope that they change for the better.