As I get more and more rest and gradually recover from my extreme burnout (and probably wind up back at just “bad” burnout instead of “extreme”), the idea I had for a TTRPG campaign just won’t leave me alone, so I’m going to start working on development (well, I already have been, to be completely honest). It might yet go nowhere, it might go somewhere fun, or it might follow the course of all of my campaigns by starting out with promise that slowly dwindles as I burn out and my less-than-engaged players stop putting in any effort. I don’t know. I’m definitely not getting my hopes up about being able to play out the idea I had in its entirety. I just… I WANT to be doing this again. I cut out so much of my day to day life and the one thing I miss the most, that still fires me up the most, that I only ever think of along the lines of “I wish I hadn’t had to end this,” is running games. I want to get back in the storyteller’s chair. I have such an interesting idea that I’ve been letting cook for a while and I really want to do something with it. I mean, I could write a story about it, but I really miss collaborative storytelling. I really miss looking at friends as I run a game and roleplay through whatever situations we wind up in. Dipping my toes back into D&D as a player has also whet my appetite for this kind of storytelling, so it’s all kind of coming together. I’ve got an interesting story, the world is practically building itself, and I think I’ve got four people who would be just as committed to playing this game (and doing their homework for it) as I am.
Continue readingAuthor: Wren
A Life’s Worth Of Problems To Solve
Last week’s anger is still around. It’s currently locked in battle with my exhaustion in a way that is amplifying all my other emotions in ways I do not particularly appreciate, but then very little that’s positive has happened. I mean, I had a nice weekend, that was good, but I haven’t been able to make much headway on any job applications, nor have any of my floating problems resolved themselves. They’re not even closer to being resolved than they were before. Hell, I feel like I’ve made negative progress on some of them. I’ve tried talking through what’s going on with some people and that hasn’t actually helped at all. Normally that helps a lot–normally thinking out loud like that helps me push towards a better understanding of what’s going on with me but I feel like that hasn’t worked lately. To cap it all off, I feel like this is all pointless because I’ve got practical problems I need to solve now and all this theoretical stuff, while incredibly important to my sense of self, doesn’t matter as much. I just got my lease renewal which stands to raise my rent by over one hundred dollars, there’s some big changes happening at my employer that necessitate reconsidering stuff I thought I’d already settled about my future, and everything I thought I’d settled about how and why I spend my energy is suddenly in question again as a couple interactions that should be inconsequential have bent me out of sorts.
Continue readingReflecting On My Relationship With Trigun Over The Last 15 Years
I’ve begun to watch the latest season of Trigun (Trigun Stargaze, to be precise) and while there’s still more to watch before I share my thoughts on it, it did kind of jiggle something loose when I started watching it last weekend. You see, I first watched Trigun about fifteen years ago and it quickly became my favorite anime. A cheerful, happy protagonist (Vash the Stampede) who endured endless suffering but still managed to get out there every day and crow about love and peace? That was what I aspired to be for quite a while. It was easy to admire his dedication to not killing anyone, his ability to endure in the face of unspeakable pain, and his willingness to sacrifice himself in order to save others. After all, that aligned him with the vision of myself I’d been raised to hold and it fed into the still-unhealthy parts of said vision that I carried forward into my adulthood. It was easy to take his side as he preached against killing, as he tried to redeem his ally (Nicholos D. Wolfwood) who would kill as he thought he must, and just as easy to mourn but celebrate Wolfwood’s death at the end of the first anime (the one from the late 90s) because Wolfwood ultimately chose the path of nonviolence and self-sacrifice. These days, it is much less easy. These days, after decades of self-sacrifice and burning myself up (and out) to keep others warm, I find my perspective has shifted. I still appreciate Vash and his optimision, I still appreciate his commitment to protection, but I can’t really align myself with it any more. I like what he does, I like the way that he is perhaps the least gun-using gunslinger in this western-adjacent anime of the last few years. But I find myself on Wolfwood’s side more and more now. Sometimes, no matter what you want, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter how strongly you will it, some one needs to be stopped and you won’t be able to redeem them.
Continue readingBreathing Space And Balancing Routine With Spontaneity
Things have settled down in Final Fantasy 14. I’m building new routines and continuing to find my fun in the game, even if I’m also thinking about playing it a bit less. Things have calmed down with the crafting workshop, largely because attendance remains fairly sparse. I’ve got a whole bunch of stuff made to slowly sell–personally and on behalf of the exterior crafting groups–a much-narrower list of things I’m buying, and I’ve even begun slowly clearing out my retainers so I have space to store things again. I’ve spent more time leveling one of my alternate characters hand-in-hand with a pair of friends who are doing the same thing, I’ve wrapped up a very long quest set that was exhausting to deal with, and even started the process of getting my storage Free Company set up so I can start churning out retainer-based materials. Which I’ll probably wind up selling eventually, once I’ve got enough stored up for my own purposes. It’s not like I want to endlessly churn that stuff anyway. And I’ve been making sure I take the time to do something at least a little fun every day I open the game, even if it is just daily roulettes with a job I enjoy playing. I’ve also started reading again, set up a day for my book club to meet, and am thinking about playing other games [which I actually did the night I wrote this blog post]. We’ll see if that latter one materializes into anything (the time away from Final Fantasy 14, ostensibly required to play other games, means I don’t generally want to), but it’s nice to think about given how many games I’ve got that I’d like to give some attention to at some point.
Continue readingAt Least My Thoughts Are More Directed While I’m Still Unable To Sleep Enough
More time has not fixed my sleep problem. It has gotten better, but it hasn’t fixed itself yet. I’m able to think fairly clearly. I’m very tired still, and a day at work is still very draining, but I think I’m getting through the worst of the mental muddling that has left me in this state. I haven’t really figured anything concrete out, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I feel about all of the stuff going on in my life (namely my tendency to throw myself into projects with a dedication rarely reflected by those I work with, what part I wish to play in the various communities I’m a part of, how much should I temper my passions in order to avoid further burnout, and so on) and I think I’ve at least figured out what I don’t want and taken a couple steps on the road to somewhere. I know I don’t want to return to my old quiet days of playing games by myself and going entire weeks without talking to anyone save my coworkers. I don’t want to do nothing but what I need to. I also don’t want to give up on some of the things I’ve started, not entirely, even if they can be draining. I know I need to continue to work on balancing the energy I spend against the rest I’m getting. I also know that I want to be a part of communities and that community doesn’t happen without people to oragnize it and do the work. Someone has to be the person to say “let’s do stuff” and while it doesn’t have to be me all the time (and shouldn’t be me all the time!), I am a very organized person who does enjoy logistical work, so I need to figure out how to find balance between this truth and the just as real truth that I’m burned out and constantly exhausted these days.
Continue readingI’m Tired and Sad, So Let’s Talk About The Legend of Zelda: Episode 37
I was going to write about the state of the world, but I got a paragraph in and my anxiety was so high I had to sit and breath and ground myself for ten minutes to stave off a panic attack (it’s difficult handle anxiety when you’re sleep-deprived and the world’s this messed up). So, instead, I figured I might write about The Legend of Zelda again, for the first time in a while. Eight months, almost, which feels pretty significant. Not that I haven’t been tired and sad since then, just that I haven’t needed to write about The Legend of Zelda about it. Anyway, I saw this video on YouTube that proposed to talk about mysterious, forgotten, or unused areas in Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom, which seemed like a really cool idea to me. I love those little strange zones you can sometimes fine where there seems like there should be something and there isn’t for some unknown reason. Unfortunately, this video wasn’t about any of those areas and instead was about various features on the map that were not utilized in-game by any mechanics or quests. Or just were different in Tears of the Kingdom in ways that didn’t make surface level sense. It was a real let-down since the first thing the video showed is literally just good level design. There’s some “unused floors” in the ruined Temple of Time in both games, but they’re literally there so starting out players have places to stop if they decide to climb the inside of the temple instead of outside it, a thing that becomes readily apparent if you look around them at all in any way other than the carefully selected angles the video recorded. So I’m going to talk about some areas that aren’t secret or mysterious but are purposely left empty because the point of the game and its space wasn’t to have something under each rock and tucked into each corner but to build a world rich in potential for storytelling if you just spent enough time on it.
Continue readingKeeping My Anger On A Slow Burn
There was a period in my life when I did not consider myself an angry person. A pretty long one, actually. I only began to question that assertion once I no longer had a (sometimes healthy) outlet for any aggression I felt, which was in my mid-to-late twenties. I spent my entire childhood miserable, my teen years surviving, my college years starting to get in touch with my emotions, and still didn’t realize how angry I was about a lot of stuff until I was forced to grapple with the emotional toll of my grandfather’s death and my separation from my parents. You see, I survived most of my childhood by repressing my emotions in a way that had a lasting negative impact, as perhaps best exemplified by the fact that I didn’t experience any kind of mixed or nuanced emotions until sometime in my twenties. I only ever felt one thing up at a time up to that point and it was only as I began to unpack the way that my grief touched everything else I felt that I started to recognize the complexities of what I was feeling prior to that. And thus came the anger. It had been sublimated into so many other emotions, into so many parts of my life, that it was differnet to pull out and understand on it own, especially because I was raised in a particular masculine tradition where not even anger was a “proper” emotion for a man to have. The only proper emotions where love (for god, of course) and remorse (for not loving god enough), so I tamped down a lot of stuff in order to play the part I was assigned.
Continue readingCentaurworld Season 2 Did Not Let Me Down
Spoilers for Centaurworld Seasons 1 and 2! You should watch it if you’re gonna because I need to talk about it’s whole deal now that I’ve finished it. It’s worth your time, though maybe don’t get a Netflix subscription JUST to watch Centaurworld alone. Though, tbh, I wouldn’t regret spending my money to do just that. It’s up to you.
Continue readingMarking Out Some Personal Time In Final Fantasy 14
One week into the Final Fantasy 14 crafting workshop for my Free Company and things have mostly settled down. I still have to do some amount of administrative work every day to keep things rolling, to keep paying out people who bring me stuff, and keep making stuff I need to sell in order to keep my profit margin positive, but it’s getting less and less as I’m figuring out some organizational systems to manage my day-to-day activities. Unfortunately, my storage situation is currently completely borked and it is going to take a LOT of work to unbork it. A lot of work and a lot of time since half the stuff I’ve got is stuff I’m saving for specific projects, is a rare drop needed for one item I’ll want eventually, or is just crud i’ve accumulated over the past year because I thought stuff would stay relevant longer than it has. I also thought I’d go back and work my way through my entire crafting recipe catalogue at some point and while I still want to do that eventually, I don’t think that I have literally anything in such quantities that keeping it until I eventually do that work is going to save me any time at all. It’ll be drudgery whenever I get to it and having half-a-dozen ingots I think I’ll need but maybe won’t need isn’t really going to save me that much time and effort. It might be easier to just pick up what I need and then throw it away when I’m done rather than try to cycle it in and out of my storage. All of which is rather beside the point of my current efforts, other than needing to get my storage cleared out and organized so It can actually be useful for me again.
Continue readingThe Sleepless Spiraling Continues Into Its Second Week
Unfortunately, in the intervening week since I last wrote about my sleep problems, they have not improved. Sure, I managed to get a couple 8-hour nights over the weekend, but only by sleeping until 1pm and then 11am on Saturday and Sunday respectively. Still struggling with being unable to fall asleep and starting to get in a bad habit of giving up immediately when I don’t start to doze off after climbing into bed. It’s a frustrating self-perpetuating cycle: I can’t sleep so I get frustrated which makes it even more difficult to fall asleep which then makes me frustrated about being too frustrated to fall aslep. On top of all the anxiety and stress and stuff, of course. Just a real mess of a situation that I can’t seem to extricate myself from despite how tired and out-of-it I’m getting. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, which I’m hoping that will help get my feet underneath me again, so to speak. I am going to need to do some work to make sure I’m ready for that therapy appointment, to get my thoughts in order and make sure I don’t miss anything in my exhausted haze or whatever I’ll be in tomorrow, but I will hopefully be able to manage it. After all, it’s not like I can stop thinking about how my life is an endless cycle of doing things because I am passionate about the cause, care enough to see that the work gets done, or feel obligated by either my sense of what is right or the feeling of needing to earn my place somewhere. Heaven forbid I stop thinking about that for even a moment.
Continue reading