As you might have guessed from what is now over a year of precedent, I spent a lot of my vacation over the last few weeks playing Final Fantasy 14. It was a pretty busy time because there was a major patch that included some new raids, main scenario quests, and a pile of new craftable items. Lots of stuff to do for folks like me who had been champing at the bit to make new gear (most of which looks good enough that I haven’t wanted to glamour over it) and for all the raiders out there. Between that gear, a new set of raids, a new set of savage raids (that unlocked the day before this posts, which is also the day I’m writing it), and a new tier of consumables for those raids, there’s a lot of demand for supplies and people to produce it all. So far, I’ve managed to make a tidy little sum crafting gear for people, some of which disappeared into making sets for my friends now that they have jobs at level 100 (which is necessary for using the gear in question), but much of that particular demand appears to have dried up. There really aren’t a lot of people who wanted it and most of those people seem to have gotten their gear by now. I’m sure there will always be a steady trickle of demand since the gear looks pretty great, but the market is glutted right now as a bunch of crafters have produced things and very few people seem to be buying them at the moment. I’m sure more people will buy once the price drops low enough, but I don’t think there’s been all that much to be made in the market since the first few days of the patch, where crafters could basically name their prices.
Continue readingAuthor: Chris
My Year in Haiku: 2025
2025 was the year I burned out. Utterly and completely in ways I might never recover from, given my inability to take the kind of rest I’d need to begin the process, much less complete it. It was also the year I made the most friends I’ve made in years, the year I connected to a new sense of community–something I’ve been withering away for the want of for a long time–and the year I finally admitted to myself, if no one else other than my therapist, that I had crossed a line somewhere and wasn’t sure I could find my way back. It was a bad year for a lot of reasons personal, professional, emotional, economically, politically, and so many more I haven’t the energy to summon to mind, let alone write out. I also found something I’m good at and am getting recognized for, and truly learned the lesson that no amount of positive input is going to make up for how burned out I was and still am. I can’t work through burnout. I can’t reprioritize around it. I can’t realign myself (specifically) to minimize it. And all I’ve got to show for working myself to that point is the knowledge that the instant I let up on the pressure I’m applied to myself, all of my coworkers started complaining to my boss about how little work it seemed like I was doing. Work that wasn’t my job, that they had taken for granted I would continue doing once the project was done, but work that someone needed to be doing and they decided it had to be me since I’d stepped up when that work not getting done would have burned me worst of all. It was not worth it. None of it was. And yet there’s nothing I can do about it now other than try to find some path forward that will limit any further damage. Which, you know, isn’t fixing anything. It just hopefully avoids making it worse.
(1/1)
Hope begets loss and
I cannot stand any more.
This is survival.
(1/8)
It is easier
To look away than confront
What is on my mind.
(1/14)
I change my alarm
To reflect reality…
Should I change myself?
(1/21)
Balancing my needs
Against my protective urges
Has left me frozen.
(1/26)
I wake up and go
From bed to office to bed
As a day passes.
(1/30)
Yesterday cost more
Than I was willing to pay.
What else could I do?
(1/31)
I’m losing my shit.
This dumb shit keeps happening
And I’m losing it.
(2/1)
I’ve avoided this
For my entire adult life.
Please pardon my grief.
(2/6)
Weariness claws at
My empty, echoing mind
As I look for rest.
(2/11)
I can feel my soul
Dragging through the muck and mire
Of this too-long year.
(2/20)
I still waste mornings
When my days are not dreary.
Change is not instant.
(2/23)
I feel myself yearn
For the same satisfaction
I get from this game.
(2/24)
I’m burnt to a crisp
And it gets worse every day.
I might never heal.
(2/27)
A new chance to rest
Is spoiled by people needing
Me to be present.
(2/28)
A slow start today,
But avalanches start with
a single motion.
(3/1)
My recovery
Is held captive by burnout.
Can I ever heal?
(3/4)
Burnout bringing me
To the edge of a breakdown
I cannot afford.
(3/10)
What’s left of me wears
Down to a nub while I work
One just one more step.
(3/12)
A moment of breath
Amidst the ceaseless effort.
I must carry on.
(3/19)
Another aching
Day spent trying to get rest
So I can work more.
(3/24)
Another week starts
As I struggle to get out
Of sheer exhaustion.
(3/30)
My final structure
Looms large in my afternoon.
It should be fun, though.
(4/3)
I wake each morning
In aching silence that ends
Only when I sleep.
(4/10)
My body twitches
With the perceived exhaustion
Of long-term burnout.
(4/14)
Dissatisfaction
Lingers through my time to sleep
And I watch dawn rise.
(4/18)
I needed the rest
I got these past too-short weeks.
It was not enough.
(4/21)
Rise and shine for work
So no one can tell how much
This project broke you.
(4/29)
An empty day, blank,
With little recorded thought,
As I parsed the fog
(5/1)
I woke peacefully,
But my day has stirred in me
A rage I can’t quell.
(5/5)
Even my poor dreams,
Scattered thoughts with no clear plot,
Say I need more sleep.
(5/8)
I’d be quick to leave
Everything I know behind
If given the chance
(5/9)
I can feel my bones
Collapsing under the weight
Of mere existence.
(5/12)
Am I resigned to
The need for stability
Or just scared of change?
(5/23)
Waking up feels good,
The day gets worse from then on.
I’m so fucking tired.
(5/30)
Rebuilding my life:
A ship of theseus in
More than name alone
(6/5)
I’m unravelling.
It looks like fraying until
I’ve fallen apart.
(6/6)
It’s a pity you
Feel best-served by my silence.
I’ll remember that.
(6/8)
I can’t help but feel
This could have been avoided.
My question was clear.
(6/13)
Bitterness fuels me
When all my good reasons have
Left me hollowed out.
(6/21)
This will be the end.
A decade of gaming done
In less than six months.
(6/22)
Sweating distraction
Logged in to occupy space
While my mind’s elsewhere.
(6/26)
Low expectations
Gird me for battle against
Today’s nothingness.
(7/7)
My spirit broken,
My burnout worse than ever…
Just one more summer.
(7/25)
I am restless not
Because I cannot rest but
From fear of stillness.
(7/31)
Burning my candle
Until all that remains is
Smoke stains on the wall.
(8/5)
He scares me more than
A Scammer’s threat ever could.
Twisted irony.
(8/8)
A slow morning turns
To bubbling anger as I
Fight capitalism.
(8/8)
I want you to know
Apria Healthcare sucks ass.
Fucking burn it down
(8/10)
My day defies words.
I scrape the empty barrel
Just to make a sound.
(8/19)
Is it the burnout
Or all the insomnia?
Turns out that it’s both.
(8/25)
Is there no escape
From the bullshit slop machines?
It makes my soul burn.
(8/28)
Hard won victory
Will carry me through the day.
I don’t want to work.
(8/31 – late)
It was the first time
I did not think about who
I would not hear from.
(9/9)
Sore muscles, blisters,
And too little sleep make for
Such a tiring day.
(9/13)
Yesterday’s anger
Smolders like coals in my heart
As I acquiesce.
(9/18)
Time bends for the worse
And my carefully planned days
Arrive in a mess
(9/29)
A return to work
Is greeted with all the dread
Of a slow nightmare.
(10/5)
Today, I finish
A journey I just began.
Has it been nine months?
(10/7)
The drive I once felt
To write and make and play hard
Has burned itself out.
(10/14)
You would think after
Ten years I’d stop scheduling
Morning therapy…
(10/14)
I can’t help but wish
That you were already dead
So I could mourn you.
(10/14)
Instead, I am trapped,
Caught grieving for the living
Who can’t care for me.
(10/14)
If you haunted me,
Then I could exorcise you
And begin to heal.
(10/14)
Instead, my heart bleeds
With every letter they send
And I can’t forget.
(10/22)
A new letter sent
In a familiar refrain
I thought I’d finished.
(10/27)
An attempt was made.
Returning to bed won out
And I’ve given up.
(10/28)
I can’t hide from it
Now that I’ve said it out loud.
Something has to change.
(11/6)
Pinning my hope on
An evening with my friends
Was unwise to do
(11/9)
I don’t want to sleep.
I want to avoid thinking
As long as I can.
(11/10)
All that happened once
Will repeat as we refuse
To learn from the past.
(11/14)
Am I paranoid
When I’m proven right again?
This brings me no joy.
(11/17)
I don’t want to say
That I was right to worry,
But I was so right.
(11/27)
I am so thankful
That I get to spend today
With people I love.
(12/2)
I am cratering.
I can’t afford to be sick,
But that’s not my choice.
(12/6)
I’m a goop monster.
All I want is some relief,
But goop’s all I get.
(12/9)
I need a minute.
Could everything please just stop
So I can catch up?
(12/12)
A five alarm fire
Landed in my lap and I’m
Already burned out.
(12/17)
It’s never ending.
There will always be more work
Than I can get done.
(12/??)
Time slips away as
I vanish into my rest.
Days have no meaning.
New Year, Same Problems
I went into my two and a half weeks of vacation thinking that, by the end of it, I’d have found my voice again. That, after enough rest, even interrupted by the holidays, I would find myself gravitating towards the blank page that used to speak to me. Instead, I spent the weekend before the end of my vacation thinking about what I’d do today, the day I’m writing and posting this, since I hadn’t written anything and all I really felt as a result of my time off was more doubt than ever. I came up with a couple good ideas related to that, but whatever they were vanished into the haze of my incredibly disrupted sleep schedule and the emotional lassitude that followed an entire afternoon and evening of fun and rewarding roleplaying with some people I’ve gotten closer to over the last few weeks. This morning, as I prepared for work, I had some kind of idea about directing my writing in such a way that it was more of a means of giving voice to specific ideas rather than just giving voice to my otherwise silent thoughts and feelings, but my exhaustion from not sleeping well and the busyness of my workplace has caused whatever distinction I came up with to slip from my mind. I am running around empty-handed as the hours of the day tick past and nothing I can think of feels like more than the usual complaining and navel-gazing I leaned on so heavily before my break. Which begs the question, did taking my break actually change anything? Did all that rest actually result in some amount of recovery? Eighteen days have passed and did I do anything other than pass through eighteen days of time?
Continue readingTaking A Much-Need Two-Week Break After This
The day I planned to write this, I arrived at work an hour into a five-alarm fire (a metaphorical fire, not a literal one). I spent the entire day running around, doing heavy physical labor, and didn’t stop to sit or rest until half an hour before I’d planned to leave for the day. I had accomplished nothing I’d planned and, worst of all, probably lengthened my illness by pushing myself too hard. Too hard for my own health, anyway, but only just barely hard enough to handle the problems plaguing my team. So, instead, I’m writing this during what I’d originally planned to be my first week off from blog writing. I’m taking time off for the winter holidays and giving myself a bit of a longer break than usual. I wrote just last week that I need some things in my life to change and I’m still not sure what that means for me, for my writing, and my game running, so I want to take some time away to figure that out. And what better time to do that than over the winter holiday season? Which means that there will be no more blog posts between today, December 19th, and January 5th when I will probably resume my normal schedule. Or at least something like it. Who knows what I’ll come up with while working through my feelings over the next couple weeks. I’m too tired and worn out today, from poor sleep and illness, to come up with much other than “something” and I already had that figured out last week.
Continue readingEven I Struggle To Write Sometimes
I meant to write a letter to my aunt (the one who I’ve decided to stay in contact with because she’s been pretty good about everything). I even have most of it written! It’s five pages long, so far. Single-spaced. Which means it’ll get quite a bit longer whenever I edit it. Whenever that happens. I didn’t really choose to stop writing so much as… well, struggle to write it at all. It’s exhausting to talk about family stuff at the best of times and these are not the best of times. So I sporadically worked at it for a while, went on vacation, got sick, and now it has been a month and a half, at least, and I’m finally turning my mind back to it (assuming, of course, that my brain fog continues to diminish). I wish I’d been able to focus on it more. I wish I’d been able to spend more time on it. I wish a lot of things, to be honest, and none of them are going to happen. All I can do is carry on from where I’m at and hope that I can get it written by the time you’re reading this [which I’ve managed] so I’ve got time to edit and then print it before I leave my workplace for two and a half weeks. That’s the only place I’ve got access to a printer, you see, and there’s no way I’m writing all of this by hand. I lack the strength-of-writing-hand for that in any kind of quick or even legible manner. So I’m on a bit more of a deadline unless I want to let this time grow into two and a half months. I didn’t even want it to grow into three weeks back when I was still working on it, and yet it did. You would think that, given how much writing I do, something like this would be easier, right?
Continue readingIt’s Tough To Beat The Appeal Of Social Connection
I’m in a bit of a weird position with Pokémon Legends: Z-A these days. I really enjoy playing the game and have plenty to do yet since I’m not even halfway through the game, but I stopped playing it after my trip and haven’t gone back. A significant part of that is, of course, being sick and spending all my time and attention on Final Fantasy 14 in prepared for the patch that dropped yesterday since it’s not like I wasn’t having a grand ol’ time with Z-A. As my discord friends can tell you, I have been enjoying that game immensely (and was providing regular fashion updates for a while). So what about returning to my home has left me unwilling to even boot up the game? I think a part of it is that it was a replacement fixation for Final Fantasy 14 and, now that I’ve got that back, I don’t need something else to do especially now when there’s so much going on. Part of it, though, is that my brain has filed it into “Handheld Pokémon Games” territory since I have spent 99% of my playtime for that game in handheld mode and now it only pops into my head when I see my Switch 2 sitting out (which I never do because I put it back on it’s dock every time I’m done with it) or when I’m going to sleep since I used handheld Pokémon games as my fall-asleep activity for a very long time. It no longer pops into my head as a waking-time activity or something to do to fill time between other activities. I’ve played it a bit while doing crafting stuff, but having to swap my attention back and forth meant it was really difficult to focus on the game and, even worse, difficult to avoid misclicks on my crafting macros. So now it just doesn’t have a time or a space in my mind since even my “stay in bed on Saturday/Sunday morning” time is being subsumed into “play Final Fantasy 14” time. Even with all that being true, I don’t think that’s the main reason I’m having a difficult time focusing on playing the game.
Continue readingAnxiety That’s Lingering Just As Long As This Cough
Yesterday’s post was called “On The Other Side Of Sickness” because it was a bit of wishful thinking about the future. I wrote it on a Monday, as I went into work while still unwell, and hoped that, by the time I was editing it, I’d be better. I am not. I’m also a bit behind in blog posts because work has been so busy and I’ve been so cotton-brained and tired that I’m having difficulty focusing. It is truly awful, to feel myself mentally diminished and be unable to do anything about it at all. And yet I must soldier on because there is work to do, money to earn, plates to spin, balls to juggle, and a small legion of crafters and gatherers and combatants to lead into a new Final Fantasy 14 patch (we’re up to six people, as of the night before I wrote the first draft of this). Lots going on and very little rest to be had despite my illness, which definitely hasn’t helped me get over the last bits of this. I’d be tired and unfocused at this point regardless of having a cold, so it’s no wonder that I still feel as loopy as I do. I wish I could say it was all bad choices, but only staying up late last night was a bad choice and it was a bad choice made knowing that I spent the two previous nights unable to fall asleep. Not because of coughing or congestion or anything like that. No, this was because I was too warm or I couldn’t get comfortable or my mind just wouldn’t wind down or I kept jerking awake as I was falling asleep for some reason. I don’t really know what’s got me in such a fuss right now, but I can definitely tell that it’s my anxiety coming at me like it hasn’t in a long time.
Continue readingOn The Otherside Of Sickness
After a year of burnout, physical exhaustion, worsening mental health, and pushing my limits as much as I could, my body gave up on me. I was taken down not by Covid, the flu, or even that time I had E. Coli. It was the common cold that laid me low and while I was able to keep working through most of it, I definitely did not like doing that. Couldn’t even let myself rest while I was so stuffed up I’d go into my bathroom to steam out my sinuses at least twice a day, just to keep things manageable (nothing else was sufficient). Capitalism and modern society demands that, and going into the office today (the day I’m writing this), regardless of whose health it risks, since I am not in such a comfortable position that I can afford to take more days off in-between the holidays (or I could, but then I’d need to work during the holidays). I managed to mitigate the worst of it by putting in a hard day’s work while I was only mildly feverish (or not feverish at all while the acetominophen was working) so I could work from home the subsequent two days, but it was still not great. This is the sickest I’ve been in years. Even that time I got the flu (made more mild by my vaccination) a few years back and spent two days semi-conscious on my couch watching the freely available seasons of Pokemon on Amazon until they somehow turned into the Emperor’s New Groove on repeat was less bad than this. At least that passed [this post is going up on day 14 of me being sick, though now my ears are clogged and my brain’s still a little fuzzy rather than the “standard” cold symptoms I still had when I wrote this]. At least the medicine I had available worked. This cold, though? Nothing really helped for long and my last five days have been an endless cycle of soothing mitigations as I dealt with one symptom at a time until I somehow got a decent couple hours of coherence and decongestion before it all came back.
Continue readingAnticipation And Preparation For Final Fantasy 14’s Next Patch
When this post goes up, there will only be a few more days before the next Final Fantasy 14 patch. This will be the first one where I’m actually IN the parts of the game impacted by the patch. I’ve got my crafters all set for the new gear, I’ve got almost all of the main scenario quests done, and I’m just going through the last steps of completing stockpiles, acquiring supplies, and making sure I have everything ready that I can possibly think of. I have no idea what to expect and while I’m sure I could ask people for the information I need to know it all, I kind of want to go in without knowing. I want to experience the bleeding edge of it all. I want to chart my own path through unknown territory. I want to be driven into the systems of the game because none of the outside resources have the answers yet. I want to experience what it’s like to not know something along with a whole bunch of other people who also don’t know. I want to experience a massive game and the way the world of players within it shift to respond to changes. It’s possible I’m building up anticipation for something that will be ultimately disappointing. It’s possible nothing I imagine will come to pass and it will just be another Tuesday marked by the ability to more freely glamour everyone’s gear (using off-job gear now). I have no idea what to expect and I’m very invested in finding out what it will be, roses and thorns together.
Continue readingI’ve Had A Lot Of Time To Think Lately
I don’t normally have a bunch of time where I’m not actively engaged in doing something. That’s an active choice I’m making, generally speaking. I’ve spent my whole life managing my anxiety and depression by keeping myself constantly busy with one thing or another so there’s no room in my mind for them to occupy. Music or podcasts while I drive, cook, and do chores. Books or TV while I eat. Video games when I’m free. Endlessly scrolling social media when I need a minute to myself at work. I’m always doing something. It’s not like I’m afraid to spend time thinking. That’s kind of what this blog post is, and my daily journaling haiku habit, but even that isn’t letting my mind be at rest. It’s an active form of thinking, a directed mode of thought. I rarely leave myself the space for my mind to wander wherever it wants since even the usual “wandering” is directed by whatever activity I’m doing. While driving, though, there’s not much else to do. Watching the road, being aware of drivers, and so on takes some of my attention, but when you’re driving a thousand miles in sixteen hours, almost all of it on one long interstate route, you have a lot of time where there’s no cars or trucks near you where you can’t afford to let your eyes wander but your mind is free to stroll about as it pleases. I rarely come out of a long drive with much in the way of clarity so much as ideas to pick at some other time, but this time I woke up the morning after my drive with a thought nestled in my head that had bubbled to the surface as a result of the time I’d spent and coversations I’d had with my friends over the days preceeding the drive.
Continue reading