This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I discovered a pile of sleep shirts that I’d forgotten to put away last night after I finished folding my laundry. Absently, barely dressed and still damp from my morning shower, I split the shirts into stacks that would fit in my dresser and moved to tuck them away when I noticed that the shirts I’d split the stack at both probably needed to be thrown out (because the armpit holes had become visible while the shirts were folded). One was a shirt I’ve known for a while I’d need to throw away but have resisted doing so because I really like the graphic on it and there’s no replacing it. The other one was a shirt I’d gotten some years prior, after doing a canoe-marathon-fundraiser event with my father for an organization that maintained a large stretch of the Des Plaines river in Illinois. As I thought about throwing it away, I realized that I would be disposing of a connection to my parents and replacing it with some other shirt that is too stained or holey for regular wear. That thought spiraled out and I realized that, like the proverbial full refreshing of your body via cellular replacement every seven years and the Ship of Theseus that leant it’s name to the paradox, it would not be long before all the connections I had to my parents would be gone. Perhaps this thought was circling my subconscious already since I made myself a big meal the night before using a recipe I’d inherited from my mother, but I’ve thought about little else since it came to mind this morning.
Continue readingA Self-Sustaining Writing Process Might Also Be A Runaway Writing Process
One of the most common but also most useless creativity tips I’ve even been given, given to someone else, or seen literally anywhere is “you just gotta do it!” I’m incredibly guilty of giving that one out, even if I do try to couch it in terms of building discipline and creating a routine you can rely on. It all boils down to “just do the thing!” in the end. It’s not a very good explanation and building it piecemeal via the whole “make time to write every day, and slowly challenge yourself to write more in that time or expand that time so you can create more” is a bit more helpful, but it ultimately doesn’t really do much beyond make you capable of the mechanics of the work you’re doing. Generally, you need some kind of goal or target to inform why you’re creating in the first place since just wanting to create (or to have created) isn’t always enough to push you through the difficulty of forming good creative habits. You need something that speaks to you or that creates drive within you to help you over that hump. Once you’re in the habit, though, it gets a lot easier. Discipline will carry you as long as you maintain it and maintaining it is so much easier than building it. Unfortuantely, you might wind up in a situation like me where you’re maintaining your discipline just to keep your discipline working rather than because you’re trying to make progress towards a specific goal and you wind up writing just because you are in the habit. The habit fuels itself and its own maintenance, even if the larger purpose it once served is no longer there.
Continue readingFinal Fantasy 14’s Shadowbringers Expansion Brings The Storytelling To A Whole New Level
It took exactly five months, from January 1st until June 1st, but I finally cleared all of Shadowbringers. This is notable since that particular expansion seems to be widely regarded as Final Fantasy 14 at it’s best and is the first bit of game content you can’t access with a free account, almost like they know they’re sitting on gold and want you to have to pay for it. Which is fair, in my opinion. I couldn’t possibly blame them for it, but then I bought the full game the instant I hit the 3.0 expansion so I could fully invest in all the parts of the game I’d been denied up to that point, so I’m clearly not someone who is going to suggest it might be unfair for game developers to get paid for the great work they’ve done. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the storytelling being done by Final Fantasy 14 and how it reaches what might be it’s pinnacle in Shadowbringers and the related patch content. After all, this expansion represents a moment years in the making, tying things together that have been dangling since the early parts of A Realm Reborn. There is clearly more to come, more that is being built towards and more surprises to catch me off-guard, but that stuff all feels like the final book in a series, meant to wrap up the throughline story while Shadowbringers is the penultimate novel that brings it all together and points it at the finish line so the last book can wrap it all up. It’s an impressive bit of work and while I’ve positively crammed my days with FF14 in order to get to this point in five months, it makes it that much easier to notice everything that has been brought together.
Continue readingBurnout And The Joy(lessness) of Creation
I haven’t actually enjoyed writing these blog posts in a long time. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that in any of my posts reflecting on my current burnout or creative process or whatever. I don’t really enjoy doing these. I don’t dislike writing them and I do still get a sense of satisfaction out of writing them, but I haven’t really felt the joy of writing in a while now. I’ve done it because I’ve felt the need, to help figure out what’s going on in my head, and to provide myself with a sense of satisfaction after a day largely devoid of anything resembling that. But I haven’t felt any of the joy or passion I once I did. I’ll be the first to say that it’s better to rely on discipline than passion or inspiration since discipline will never abandon you like passion and inspiration might, but I think it’s worth considering that enough discipline will also enable you to actively harm yourself if you force yourself to keep performing past the point where your body is telling you to stop. I don’t think I’m there yet, but I can’t deny that my burnout hasn’t gotten any better in months or years and that I just don’t really enjoy any of my creative pursuits anymore these days.
Continue readingWeary After A Weekend Of Not Enough Rest Despite My Best Efforts
This past weekend (as of writing this a week-ish before it gets posted) was not as restful as I would have liked. Between the on-going but slowly dimishing symptoms of my antidepressant withdrawal and the absolutely debilitating emotional journey of the Final Fantasy 14 content I was playing, I am going into my final day of “a restful weekend” feeling like I’ve gotten even less sleep than usual. I know that this is the fatigue from the withdrawal compounding what would have been an emotionally draining weekend no matter what, but it still sucks to have so thoroughly overestimated how much I could handle. I mean, I barely did any chore, spent most of my time sitting around in my apartment or trying to cool off my office without turning my AC on, and slept as much as I could, but I’m still starting this Tuesday even more tired than I started my weekend. All of the socializing in-game probably didn’t help, since social interaction has been incredibly draining during this period of withdrawal. It also didn’t help that I went through two heavy days of emotionally draining (in a good way) story quests in Shadowbringers and then followed that up immediately by getting absolutely wrecked by a side-quest (in a bad way) before pushing through it to do some social activities that were fun in the moment but were probably not a wise thing for me to do at that point. I had the distinct thought that I should probably shut the game down early and spend some time dealing with the experience I’d had and instead chose to avoid that and only shut down the game when the maintenance was about to start.
Continue readingI’m Tired and Sad, So Let’s Talk About The Legend of Zelda: Episode 35
This episode, the latest in the “I’m Tired And Sad” series, is brought to you by escitalopram and it’s horrible withdrawal symptoms! Everything I do is exhausting and I now know what it is like for your brain to skip a beat the same way your heart can, so I’m going to take it easy today and talk about one of the first video game accomplishments I ever felt proud of: getting to 1000 hits in Orca’s Sword Training without ever once using my shield, no forward jump attacks, and only dodging via the counterattack system or, as my friends and I called it, “Sword Master Mode.” Prior to the game’s release, I didn’t have a lot of local friends since all the kids my age had moved away with their families some years prior, but when a kid moved in down the block who was my age and shared my interest in video games, I started to actually feel competitive about video games and my accomplishments. Before then, I’d only ever played against my siblings with any regularity and I was hopelessly worse than my brother at everything and untouchably better than my younger siblings at everything, so there was no real competition for me to engage in. This new friend was at my skill level (largely determined by our age and coordination) and I got my first taste of competitive gaming. I didn’t much appreciate it, though, since it didn’t really feel fun to win and always felt bad to lose and have other people so visibily (and often vocally) enjoy having beaten me. When the latest Legend of Zelda game dropped, though, it gave me something I could compete in that actually provided me with something when I did well (a sense of personal accomplishment) and avoided the whole competitive nastiness thing I dislike so much about directly competitive gaming.
Continue readingMeasuring Progress In Final Fantasy XIV
It might not be a Wednesday, but that doesn’t mean I can’t write about Final Fantasy 14! Not that I’ve got a lot to report, to be honest. I mean, I finished the base portion of the Shadowbringers expansion a couple weeks ago and spent, like, two hours a night for three nights in a row crying (good) on and off as so much great storytelling happened. I don’t know how to write about that, yet, since I’m just starting the patch content for Shadowbringers and have quite a bit of stuff left before the whole thing wraps up [I’ve finished most of it now, as of the day this posted, and am ready to talk about it all]. Not that I think it needs more storytelling to properly stand, just that I want to be able to fully couch it in all of the context the full expansion will give me when I write about it (like I did with all the other expansions). I just have been taking longer to get back to it because of the brain fog and being under the weather. I don’t want to play through this important, impactful expansion at a time when my brain isn’t working terribly well. It would be a shame to forget anything. Instead, in the time since I wrapped it up, I’ve turned my attention toward some of the other measures of progress I’ve been ignoring while I sped through the Main Scenario Quests. I’ve done a bunch of leveling of some of my classes, started working on some personal market projects to augment my income, leveled some crafting jobs, worked on some weeklies, and tried to get more invested in the roleplaying side of things. Which means I’ve made a lot of progress taken as a whole, but not a huge amount on any individual metric.
Continue readingAn Unreliable Touchstone For The Demigods of Daelen
At the prompting of my players in my “Demigods of Daelen” Dungeons and Dragons campaign, I bought and started reading the first five books in the Percy Jackson series. I’ve only made it through three of them so far (I have had a lot of other stuff going on since I ordered these a couple months ago), but each one wrapped up in a single reading session (not counting me reading a the first book a chapter at a time for exactly two chapters before I just dug in and read the whole thing). They’re light, fun books to read. There’s not a lot of tension in them, at least not yet, though there’s plenty of spirit. All of this combined makes it incredibly easy to get swept up in the story and the worldbuilding is light but deliberate enough that there’s never really a point that takes me out of the story, even when someone hops in an old plane that somehow has a gun loaded with live ammunition and uses it to shoot stuff. The whole series, up through book three at least, does a good job of brushing off the strange intersections of the fantastical and the modern without breaking my suspension of disbelief, and I can see why so many people have these books as a major influence in their childhood or teen years. If I’d read these books as a child, I’d probably feel similarly. Hell, I might even still like them because the author hasn’t done anything absolutely horrible like becoming the loudest, vilest, and most harmful terf currently living, unlike some other franchises from my childhood. Still, while I can absolutely enjoy some decent Young Adult fiction, I’m not sure this franchise is the helpful touchstone my players think it is.
Continue readingKnowledge Does Not Always Bring Relief
Well, I’m rewriting large chunks of this a couple days after I drafted a meandering series of complaints about how I was feeling since I finally came out of the brain fog enough to realize just how bad it was on Monday (a week before this posted, when I wrote those unfortunate paragraphs) and am feeling mostly clear enough today that I am not as concerned with my ability to string together coherent thoughts. As it turns out, what I wrote about just a few days ago (as this post is being published, anyway) was actually the beginning twinges of withdrawal from my previous antidepressant. Apparently, it can take as long as a week to start and last multiple weeks (or even months) beyond that. Thankfully, since I spent a month reducing my dose before stopping it entirely, I think I’m on the mend and will be fully recovered by the end of the week this post goes up or maybe sometime during the weekend following that [unfortunately unlikely, given the increasingly slow recovery I’m experiencing]. It is difficult to imagine how I could be doing any worse than I was from pretty much Saturday night through Tuesday afternoon, but I’ve got no guarantee that things won’t suddenly get worse again or that things won’t get bad in an entirely new way. I’ve never suffered withdrawl like this before. Caffeine withdrawal, sure, but I’ve spent my entire life avoiding any other substances upon which I might become dependent given that I’ve been consciously treating my depression with caffeine for over a decade now, so this is all a first for me. Even the caffeine withdrawal was carefully managed after the first unfortunate day of accidentally going cold turkey.
Continue readingThinking A Lot About The Antifacist Soldiers Who Died Decades Ago This Memorial Day
It’s Memorial Day in the US, one of the few holidays I’ve got with my current employer. I’m taking a day off writing, for the most part, as well so I can get an actually restful weekend of sleep and (hopefully) recovery in me before returning to the grind. I don’t typically have much respect for today, given how much it’s being used for pointless pagentry, political points, and trying to stir patriotism in a country with a bit too much pride in itself. I can’t much take a holiday seriously when all of the communication I see about it is either advertisements for appliance sales or attempts to create a sense of pride in my country will it tries to ruin the lives of the marginalized people who live here. So, to that end, ignore the fascist spinning up of nationalist pride in preparation for Trump’s Birthday Parade and do something else like call your reps about putting a stop to that or about how they plan to actually stand up the the fascists instead of demuring every time there’s an opportunity for the kind of endless opposition we need from every level of our government if we’re to survive as a country with any semblance of what we like to call “democracy” intact. Eat a hot dog or grill out or whatever it is you feel you need to do, but don’t let the holiday blind you to the continue rise of fascism rather rapidly consuming our country.