I have written fairly extensively about the unfortunate, frustrating, and bad things that have happened to me this year. I have also written about some of the good things, but much less extensively. While I’m definitely not recovered yet and have enough other BS going on that my recovery is going slowly [I even had stuff that happened the day after writing this that set me back a couple weeks], I wanted to take a little time to focus on one of the best things that has happened this year. As I’ve mentioned, the exhaustion and burnout I’ve been recovering from hasn’t been a result of constant unfortunate events, but because so much stuff has happened. Once you hit your emotional capacity, you’re just as overwhelmed and unable to cope whether the thing that tipped you over was good or bad. The bad stuff just tends to seem more prevalent and constant because part of my emotional processing involves writing about it here. Good stuff doesn’t really require that kind of emotional processing, but I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned three of my top four things scattered throughout the last four months. Number one is being a part of my friends’ wedding. Number three was the trip to Spain I went on with those friends and the entire wedding party. Number four is definitely moving into my current apartment/out of my old apartment. Today’s post, to formally write about my number two thing that I’ve only mentioned in passing (if I’ve mentioned it at all), is about the surprising, powerful, out-of-nowhere friendship I’ve developed with one of the people I met on my trip to Spain.
Continue readingExploring Identity As I Search For Community
For most of my life, I was content to accept that I’d never really find an answer to the question that is my identity. I mean, I’ve had thoughts and feelings about my identity (gender, sexual, and otherwise) for as long as I’ve been capable of the abstract thought required to understand that the self is separate from the physical being that other people see and interact with. I just didn’t realize that those thoughts and feelings were not the way that other people felt about themselves until I was in high school. I hadn’t really had much of an opportunity to have conversations about the self with other people, after all, given that I was home schooled and didn’t have many close friends. Plus, I was too busy surviving and protecting my younger siblings to really indulge in that kind of reflection and introspection, especially when a core element of that survival was fulfilling the expectations of my parents. They had assigned me an identity based on what they wanted and expected me to be, so I did my best to play my part. I couldn’t afford to openly ask questions that might show that I was not the person my parents demanded I be, nor did I have the language or energy to have a conversation with myself about it. It wasn’t until years later, when I was almost thirty, that I actually started this conversation with myself and then it was another six months before I even mentioned it to anyone else.
Continue readingResurfacing For Air After A Weekend Lost In Baldur’s Gate 3
Other than preparation for and then hosting a Pathfinder Second Edition one-shot, I spent my entire weekend playing Baldur’s Gate 3. I was finally able to play it in more than drips and drabs (which, for me, meant an hour or two at a time, since I won’t bother to turn my computer on for anything else). I wound up starting a new game with two friends and then taking this large chunk of time to wrap up loose ends, finish map exploration, and, in the wee hours of the morning, finish the main quest points of Act 1. I rescued Halsin, helped the Tieflings, dealt with a swamp witch, got to absolutely wreck some weaker enemies with my brand new level 5 abilities (still haven’t cast Fireball, though, since I mismanaged Wyll’s spell slots and forgot to short rest before the next fight), and prepared myself for an underground adventure. After this, I’m moving into entirely new territory (I never did the Underdark stuff in Early Access) and I’m excited to play chunks of the game I’ve never encountered before.
Continue readingInfrared Isolation: Chapter 25
New to the series or certain you’ve missed a chapter? You can find the introduction Here and the table of contents Here.
Continue readingSometimes, There’s A Little Too Much “Cult” in Midwestern “Culture”
There is a strange religiosity applied to the concept of family in US culture. I originally started writing “Midwestern US culture,” but most of the examples that come to mind aren’t confined to the Midwest. There’s an entire line of movies (The Fast and The Furious) that is all about the primacy of the family unit, though they tend to define family a bit more broadly than most. There’s entire cultural background covering the importance of The Family as it relates to organized crime. One of the most popular types of stories these days is about found family or the lengths to which one might go to return to family. Family, regardless of how it is defined, is seen as something worth everything and valuable beyond measure. What makes this somewhat more sinister and unpleasant, though, is the suggestion that anyone lacking family is a bad person. Villains are frequently loners. The philosophy of those we’re supposed to dislike is often depicted as favoring isolation and a lack of attachments. Hell, all you have to do is look at advertising and media around the parent-oriented holidays (Mother’s Day and Father’s Day) to see the subtle suggestion that choosing to ignore your biological parents, or otherwise hold the way they treated you against them, is a moral failing. It’s pervasive.
Continue readingI Spy, With My Little Eye, Something Weighing On My Mind
I started watching Spy x Family recently. It’s a wonderful, warm show that I find positively delightful. I sincerely hope everything works out for everyone in the show. I’m also absolutely terrified that it won’t since I’m only a few episodes from the end of the show and there is still plenty of time for things to go bad. By the time this goes up, I’ll have watched the remainder of the show and had plenty of time to rue my optimism, scoff at my fear [this is the one I wound up doing], or spin my wheels pondering a cliffhanger. Normally, for a show with only one season that is such a joy to watch, I’d have watched my way through it in a few days, staying up later than I should in order to cram in a few extra episodes every day. Instead, I’ve been watching this for over a week because I’ve been careful to only watch a few episodes at a time.
I wish I could say I was savoring it, but the opposite is true. This show is actually emotionally difficult for me to watch, despite being so lovely. Not because I’m lonely and jealous of the budding family depicted on screen (the only thing akin to jealousy I feel is the broad and fun kind that grows from seeing something you like and wishing you were a part of it; a wistful “if only I could be a Pokémon Trainer/Jedi” kind of thing), but because this is a show about “family” and that’s a topic I have a difficult time engaging with these days.
Continue readingBurying Heart: The City Beneath Within The Ground Itself
I wound up going another session of my every-other-week Heart: The City Beneath campaign without playing Heart. We’re still in the throes of The Ground Itself and I regret nothing. I’m having a great time. Almost all of my players just so deeply understand what we’re doing that they’ve done half the moves I’d planned for myself, in terms of setting up the horrors of the world we’re going to play in. This means I’ve been able to focus on specifics and painting good images during my turns rather than introducing aspects of the world at large or adding to the tension of this downright awful bit of geography. I get to do things like talk, in detail, about a mysterious creature that emerged from a horrible sinkhole, described in stories as but a shadow on the horizon, that now wanders this world on some sort of mission that only it knows. Or describe how the dominant species (a froglike non-sentient creature that is incredibly long, flat, and known for hunting down everything in the area, including the people who used to live there) has been impacted by the force of decay called The Rot (which decays anything it touches/infests in every dimension and way, rather than being bound strictly to biological materials like we’re familiar with in meatspace) and how some of them have mushed together to form some kind of horrible beast that has been disappearing people for an unknown number of years. Or how a train, riding rails of limestone, bone, and metal over slowly dessicating dirt, emerged from the same pit that every horror has left behind in order to discorge its unknowable passengers upon the surface. It has been an absolute delight to play this game, even if it is, somewhat predictably, taking an incredibly long time to play.
Continue readingThe Next Jujutsu Kaisen Arc Is A Birthday Present For Me
At some point this year, I became aware of some new Jujutsu Kaisen episodes. Labeled “Season 2,” I was a little trepidatious about diving into a new season since the titles implied a bit of parallel story-telling rather than a direct continuation of the story that ended with Season 1. Eventually, though, I got over my trepidation, rewatched the entirety of season 1, and then watched the five episodes that exist of season 2. According to what I could find, more is going to start dropping on the thirty-first of this month, which is my birthday. It’s a lot more exciting to be focused on this upcoming release than it is on the unknown number of years it will be before the next bit of Demon Slayer comes out (since all we’ve got is pure conjecture at this point) and while the shows are incredibly different in theming and the episode-to-episode contents of their show, they’re both about slaying horrible monsters and bringing down the organization guiding the upper levels of those horribel monsters. I’m not really in-tune with anime trends enough to tell if this is an emerging trend (or it’s a dwindling one, considering how old Bleach is), but it does seem pretty funny to learn that two hit shows these days are both about slaying monstrous creatures that are varying degrees of intelligent and sapient.
Continue readingI Overextended Myself Once Again
I wound up staying up until about 2am Friday morning, since I only finished building my character and all that in Baldur’s Gate 3 at about 11:30 Thursday night. It took a long time to download and I had a D&D game I was playing in during the earlier hours of the evening, so I was faced with either going to bed without playing BG3 or staying up a bit to play just the intro. I chose the latter, which turned into playing for about two hours. That, plus a bit of research I did following my introduction to Gale is what informed last Friday’s post since I wrote that during work breaks in my morning and then finished it between chores Saturday morning. I was pretty busy for pretty much the entire day and evening, so I had to get pretty focused with my topic for Friday. It’s not like I had any extra time to play more or do more research about the game that day, nor have I had much since then.
Continue readingI Ran Out of Time, So Have A Parody Called “If I Had 1,000,000 Hours”
I didn’t have time to write anything for today (Monday’s blog post will be a pretty good explanation as to why), so I made a quick little parody of The Barenaked Ladies’ “If I Had A Million Dollars” (original lyrics and format provided by genuis.com). Feel free to hum it to yourself or just read my lyrics instead of the song’s while you listen to it. Or don’t. I’m not your boss. I’m just incredibly tired and decided I’d rather have something dumb in place than nothing. So please, enjoy this dumb parody I wrote of an incredibly basic song.
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