There are days, more and more lately, where I am heartsick at the state of the world or floundering and unable to escape the vortex of my own personal miseries. Unfortunately, the world does not give you space to have days like that. Life must still be lived. Bills mut be payed, money must be earned, food must be bought, and the necessities of life require you to carry on despite how much you want to take a moment to just reel at the enormnity of it all. How do you do that? What can you do to make some distance, create a little space, and find a way to take the next step forward because you have to no matter how much your heart demands you lay face down on the ground? There’s plenty of self-care tips out there for this sort of thing: log off, stay hydrated, make sure you eat, get some fresh air, ground yourself in the present moment, find ways to be active locally, in-person, so you can provide yourself with some measure of control to fight back against the feelings of powerlessness that are often at the center (or at least near it) of these overwhelming moments. That doesn’t always do it, though, because sometimes you also have to clean your apartment or deal with other people who are making reasonable requests of you or you need to find a way to write about something, anything, to help break your mind out of the paralysis gripping it. What do you do for that extra boost, the tiny bit of impetus required to break out of the rut you’re in so you can do the things you really should be doing today but don’t really NEED to do today? You can’t leave it all for tomorrow, you know? Tomorrow will have it’s own things, it’s own trials and miseries to make doing things difficult, so stacking up more and more important-but-not-necessary effort is only ever going to add more weight to your shoulders.
Continue readingexhaustion
Nowhere Left For Escapism
Once upon a time, I used to take breaks from the work I was doing to go on social media. I’d see some art, look a whatever had gone viral, post back and forth with some friends, maybe idly browse for a bit, and then return to whatever I’d been doing. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was a small hit of happiness during my long, often-boring days. Nowdays, I feel like I do everything else in my life as a break from social media before I eventually have to return to doom scrolling so I can keep up with whatever hellacious, objectively evil thing has happened since I last looked. There is no joy to be found there and, more and more frequently, not even any escapism. All I can count on getting from the internet these days is at least a modicum of despair and yet my brain keeps telling me to go back and check again. After all, maybe this time I’ll actually get that little bit of serotonin I’m craving. Maybe this time I’ll just see some nice art or a funny joke or an announcement about something of interest to me and not spend an hour scrolling up and down the page as I trepidatiously follow whatever unfolding disaster has occurred (such as “law enforcement” of various types killing someone in what can only be reasonably described as an execution or the various media and government personal talking about just how reasonable it is for Trump to consider acquiring Greenland through whatever means he desires). Nothing I have seen on social media in the last year comes even close to making up for how much absolute misery I’ve experienced as a result of scrolling around and yet I can feel the need to scroll, to bear horrified witness to these unfolding tragedies, tugging at my attention despite not wanting to see yet another post about how surely, this time, they have gone too far.
Continue readingMy Year in Haiku: 2025
2025 was the year I burned out. Utterly and completely in ways I might never recover from, given my inability to take the kind of rest I’d need to begin the process, much less complete it. It was also the year I made the most friends I’ve made in years, the year I connected to a new sense of community–something I’ve been withering away for the want of for a long time–and the year I finally admitted to myself, if no one else other than my therapist, that I had crossed a line somewhere and wasn’t sure I could find my way back. It was a bad year for a lot of reasons personal, professional, emotional, economically, politically, and so many more I haven’t the energy to summon to mind, let alone write out. I also found something I’m good at and am getting recognized for, and truly learned the lesson that no amount of positive input is going to make up for how burned out I was and still am. I can’t work through burnout. I can’t reprioritize around it. I can’t realign myself (specifically) to minimize it. And all I’ve got to show for working myself to that point is the knowledge that the instant I let up on the pressure I’m applied to myself, all of my coworkers started complaining to my boss about how little work it seemed like I was doing. Work that wasn’t my job, that they had taken for granted I would continue doing once the project was done, but work that someone needed to be doing and they decided it had to be me since I’d stepped up when that work not getting done would have burned me worst of all. It was not worth it. None of it was. And yet there’s nothing I can do about it now other than try to find some path forward that will limit any further damage. Which, you know, isn’t fixing anything. It just hopefully avoids making it worse.
(1/1)
Hope begets loss and
I cannot stand any more.
This is survival.
(1/8)
It is easier
To look away than confront
What is on my mind.
(1/14)
I change my alarm
To reflect reality…
Should I change myself?
(1/21)
Balancing my needs
Against my protective urges
Has left me frozen.
(1/26)
I wake up and go
From bed to office to bed
As a day passes.
(1/30)
Yesterday cost more
Than I was willing to pay.
What else could I do?
(1/31)
I’m losing my shit.
This dumb shit keeps happening
And I’m losing it.
(2/1)
I’ve avoided this
For my entire adult life.
Please pardon my grief.
(2/6)
Weariness claws at
My empty, echoing mind
As I look for rest.
(2/11)
I can feel my soul
Dragging through the muck and mire
Of this too-long year.
(2/20)
I still waste mornings
When my days are not dreary.
Change is not instant.
(2/23)
I feel myself yearn
For the same satisfaction
I get from this game.
(2/24)
I’m burnt to a crisp
And it gets worse every day.
I might never heal.
(2/27)
A new chance to rest
Is spoiled by people needing
Me to be present.
(2/28)
A slow start today,
But avalanches start with
a single motion.
(3/1)
My recovery
Is held captive by burnout.
Can I ever heal?
(3/4)
Burnout bringing me
To the edge of a breakdown
I cannot afford.
(3/10)
What’s left of me wears
Down to a nub while I work
One just one more step.
(3/12)
A moment of breath
Amidst the ceaseless effort.
I must carry on.
(3/19)
Another aching
Day spent trying to get rest
So I can work more.
(3/24)
Another week starts
As I struggle to get out
Of sheer exhaustion.
(3/30)
My final structure
Looms large in my afternoon.
It should be fun, though.
(4/3)
I wake each morning
In aching silence that ends
Only when I sleep.
(4/10)
My body twitches
With the perceived exhaustion
Of long-term burnout.
(4/14)
Dissatisfaction
Lingers through my time to sleep
And I watch dawn rise.
(4/18)
I needed the rest
I got these past too-short weeks.
It was not enough.
(4/21)
Rise and shine for work
So no one can tell how much
This project broke you.
(4/29)
An empty day, blank,
With little recorded thought,
As I parsed the fog
(5/1)
I woke peacefully,
But my day has stirred in me
A rage I can’t quell.
(5/5)
Even my poor dreams,
Scattered thoughts with no clear plot,
Say I need more sleep.
(5/8)
I’d be quick to leave
Everything I know behind
If given the chance
(5/9)
I can feel my bones
Collapsing under the weight
Of mere existence.
(5/12)
Am I resigned to
The need for stability
Or just scared of change?
(5/23)
Waking up feels good,
The day gets worse from then on.
I’m so fucking tired.
(5/30)
Rebuilding my life:
A ship of theseus in
More than name alone
(6/5)
I’m unravelling.
It looks like fraying until
I’ve fallen apart.
(6/6)
It’s a pity you
Feel best-served by my silence.
I’ll remember that.
(6/8)
I can’t help but feel
This could have been avoided.
My question was clear.
(6/13)
Bitterness fuels me
When all my good reasons have
Left me hollowed out.
(6/21)
This will be the end.
A decade of gaming done
In less than six months.
(6/22)
Sweating distraction
Logged in to occupy space
While my mind’s elsewhere.
(6/26)
Low expectations
Gird me for battle against
Today’s nothingness.
(7/7)
My spirit broken,
My burnout worse than ever…
Just one more summer.
(7/25)
I am restless not
Because I cannot rest but
From fear of stillness.
(7/31)
Burning my candle
Until all that remains is
Smoke stains on the wall.
(8/5)
He scares me more than
A Scammer’s threat ever could.
Twisted irony.
(8/8)
A slow morning turns
To bubbling anger as I
Fight capitalism.
(8/8)
I want you to know
Apria Healthcare sucks ass.
Fucking burn it down
(8/10)
My day defies words.
I scrape the empty barrel
Just to make a sound.
(8/19)
Is it the burnout
Or all the insomnia?
Turns out that it’s both.
(8/25)
Is there no escape
From the bullshit slop machines?
It makes my soul burn.
(8/28)
Hard won victory
Will carry me through the day.
I don’t want to work.
(8/31 – late)
It was the first time
I did not think about who
I would not hear from.
(9/9)
Sore muscles, blisters,
And too little sleep make for
Such a tiring day.
(9/13)
Yesterday’s anger
Smolders like coals in my heart
As I acquiesce.
(9/18)
Time bends for the worse
And my carefully planned days
Arrive in a mess
(9/29)
A return to work
Is greeted with all the dread
Of a slow nightmare.
(10/5)
Today, I finish
A journey I just began.
Has it been nine months?
(10/7)
The drive I once felt
To write and make and play hard
Has burned itself out.
(10/14)
You would think after
Ten years I’d stop scheduling
Morning therapy…
(10/14)
I can’t help but wish
That you were already dead
So I could mourn you.
(10/14)
Instead, I am trapped,
Caught grieving for the living
Who can’t care for me.
(10/14)
If you haunted me,
Then I could exorcise you
And begin to heal.
(10/14)
Instead, my heart bleeds
With every letter they send
And I can’t forget.
(10/22)
A new letter sent
In a familiar refrain
I thought I’d finished.
(10/27)
An attempt was made.
Returning to bed won out
And I’ve given up.
(10/28)
I can’t hide from it
Now that I’ve said it out loud.
Something has to change.
(11/6)
Pinning my hope on
An evening with my friends
Was unwise to do
(11/9)
I don’t want to sleep.
I want to avoid thinking
As long as I can.
(11/10)
All that happened once
Will repeat as we refuse
To learn from the past.
(11/14)
Am I paranoid
When I’m proven right again?
This brings me no joy.
(11/17)
I don’t want to say
That I was right to worry,
But I was so right.
(11/27)
I am so thankful
That I get to spend today
With people I love.
(12/2)
I am cratering.
I can’t afford to be sick,
But that’s not my choice.
(12/6)
I’m a goop monster.
All I want is some relief,
But goop’s all I get.
(12/9)
I need a minute.
Could everything please just stop
So I can catch up?
(12/12)
A five alarm fire
Landed in my lap and I’m
Already burned out.
(12/17)
It’s never ending.
There will always be more work
Than I can get done.
(12/??)
Time slips away as
I vanish into my rest.
Days have no meaning.
New Year, Same Problems
I went into my two and a half weeks of vacation thinking that, by the end of it, I’d have found my voice again. That, after enough rest, even interrupted by the holidays, I would find myself gravitating towards the blank page that used to speak to me. Instead, I spent the weekend before the end of my vacation thinking about what I’d do today, the day I’m writing and posting this, since I hadn’t written anything and all I really felt as a result of my time off was more doubt than ever. I came up with a couple good ideas related to that, but whatever they were vanished into the haze of my incredibly disrupted sleep schedule and the emotional lassitude that followed an entire afternoon and evening of fun and rewarding roleplaying with some people I’ve gotten closer to over the last few weeks. This morning, as I prepared for work, I had some kind of idea about directing my writing in such a way that it was more of a means of giving voice to specific ideas rather than just giving voice to my otherwise silent thoughts and feelings, but my exhaustion from not sleeping well and the busyness of my workplace has caused whatever distinction I came up with to slip from my mind. I am running around empty-handed as the hours of the day tick past and nothing I can think of feels like more than the usual complaining and navel-gazing I leaned on so heavily before my break. Which begs the question, did taking my break actually change anything? Did all that rest actually result in some amount of recovery? Eighteen days have passed and did I do anything other than pass through eighteen days of time?
Continue readingTaking A Much-Need Two-Week Break After This
The day I planned to write this, I arrived at work an hour into a five-alarm fire (a metaphorical fire, not a literal one). I spent the entire day running around, doing heavy physical labor, and didn’t stop to sit or rest until half an hour before I’d planned to leave for the day. I had accomplished nothing I’d planned and, worst of all, probably lengthened my illness by pushing myself too hard. Too hard for my own health, anyway, but only just barely hard enough to handle the problems plaguing my team. So, instead, I’m writing this during what I’d originally planned to be my first week off from blog writing. I’m taking time off for the winter holidays and giving myself a bit of a longer break than usual. I wrote just last week that I need some things in my life to change and I’m still not sure what that means for me, for my writing, and my game running, so I want to take some time away to figure that out. And what better time to do that than over the winter holiday season? Which means that there will be no more blog posts between today, December 19th, and January 5th when I will probably resume my normal schedule. Or at least something like it. Who knows what I’ll come up with while working through my feelings over the next couple weeks. I’m too tired and worn out today, from poor sleep and illness, to come up with much other than “something” and I already had that figured out last week.
Continue readingAnxiety That’s Lingering Just As Long As This Cough
Yesterday’s post was called “On The Other Side Of Sickness” because it was a bit of wishful thinking about the future. I wrote it on a Monday, as I went into work while still unwell, and hoped that, by the time I was editing it, I’d be better. I am not. I’m also a bit behind in blog posts because work has been so busy and I’ve been so cotton-brained and tired that I’m having difficulty focusing. It is truly awful, to feel myself mentally diminished and be unable to do anything about it at all. And yet I must soldier on because there is work to do, money to earn, plates to spin, balls to juggle, and a small legion of crafters and gatherers and combatants to lead into a new Final Fantasy 14 patch (we’re up to six people, as of the night before I wrote the first draft of this). Lots going on and very little rest to be had despite my illness, which definitely hasn’t helped me get over the last bits of this. I’d be tired and unfocused at this point regardless of having a cold, so it’s no wonder that I still feel as loopy as I do. I wish I could say it was all bad choices, but only staying up late last night was a bad choice and it was a bad choice made knowing that I spent the two previous nights unable to fall asleep. Not because of coughing or congestion or anything like that. No, this was because I was too warm or I couldn’t get comfortable or my mind just wouldn’t wind down or I kept jerking awake as I was falling asleep for some reason. I don’t really know what’s got me in such a fuss right now, but I can definitely tell that it’s my anxiety coming at me like it hasn’t in a long time.
Continue readingFinding A New Flavor Of Overstimulation
I wound up taking today off work (the day I wrote this, which is about two weeks before it got posted) because I was just so burned out and exhausted that my body physically refused to operate correctly. Which is a bad state to be in, considering that I have plans to drive about five hundred miles in two days, another five hundred two days after that, and then a thousand in a single day four days after that. I don’t need to be in tip-top physical shape going into all of that, but it would certainly help make the total thirty-two-or-more hours of driving more bearable if I didn’t feel like crap. So I stayed in, played some video games (to wrap up some Final Fantasy 14 stuff before my week away from the game), and had a mostly relaxing day. Unfortunately, it was not entirely relaxing. I found out about an event my favorite wrestling group was doing a literal hour before it was supposed to start and scrambled to reorganize my evening so I could attend the event. It was a lot of fun, but I was not prepared to record and I was not mentally prepared for the shear amount of stuff that was going to be happening. Wrestling events can be a little overwhelming because there’s two chats to watch (the Wrestling chat and the crowd chat), the action to follow, the event’s music to listen to (used to help set the emotional tone for scenes), and usually my recording to monitor (and related camera work). While I wasn’t recording this time, there was a lot more mixing of chats than usual, a lot more attendees, just as much music, and I wound up in a discord voice chat with some people I’ve been getting to know, all of which left my fried and overstimulated after the first two-hour event.
Continue readingIntrinsic Motivation Doesn’t Make Me Immune To External Discouragement
After wrapping up everything but the finishing touches on my Final Fantasy 14 gear project, I posted in my Free Company’s discord that I was planning to make myself new gear right after the patch drops with all my fancy new gathering and crafting gear. I wanted to know if anyone else was interested in participating in a fun little bleeding-edge gear crafting activity. So far, I’ve gotten one bite and a lot of silence (as I’ve mentioned before, I think most of the bleeding-edge players in my group have the in-game currency to just buy whatever they want, so they will just wait until the prices drop a little bit and buy it OR just accumulate it slowly by doing the raids and whatnot), but the bite I did get has been very interested in making this happen. It’s a player I kinda get along with and have been doing more and more with as I shift into endgame content, but he’s very combat-focused and a bit less crafting-focused. He is absolutely doing a bunch of crafting still, but he hasn’t even gotten all of his jobs to level 100 yet, so there is likely no way that he’d be ready in time given how much combat stuff he does every single day (it’s exhausting even thinking about trying to keep up with him!). That said, all of his gathering skills are at level 100 and he recently requested that I help him get somemid-tier gear for his level 100 classes. That took a little time (not much, given that I’ve done it already and have higher stats than when I did it myself), but I quickly realized that I should just get him up to the current top-tier of gathering gear. It’s a bit more work on my part, but less now that I’m using all top-tier gear and it’ll be a huge help to have someone gathering the new materials alongside me. He’ll probably still do mostly the combat stuff and I’ll do most of the gathering and crafting stuff, but it’s good to have someone ready to help out.
Continue readingI’ve Even Stopped Wishing I Could Put An Optimistic Spin On These Posts
It has been a rough… Well, couple of months in particular. Years. Decade. Etc. But the last couple months in particular have been very draining and extra exhausting. Having all of this stuff with my family hanging over me isn’t helpful at the best of times and these are not the best of times. The world looks increasingly awful as fascism continues to rise. Sure, we had a really good set of election results this past week, but we’ve got a long ways to go before anything starts to really change and the actions of various senatorial elected officials have made it pretty clear that this doesn’t change anything in their eyes despite how clear of a call to resist this should have been [I wrote this before they gave up, too, but more on that next week]. I don’t know how it could be any more clear than it is that the people of the US want our elected officials to resist every single one of Trumps moves, heinous or mundane. Throw is increasing work loads, a messed up sleep schedule, and it’s no wonder that I can’t seem to shake the dogged exhaustion I’m feeling. What the hell am I supposed to do about any of that? It’s all I can do to even think about sending a letter back to my aunt, the one who responded in what I’d call a positive manner, let alone write it and manage all of the other stressors that are taking up space in my mind with no relief on the horizon. All I want to do is lay down and surrender to unconsciousness until something has happened to resolve at least one of these things because I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to actually do anything about any of them.
Continue readingSurviving The Day After A Sleepless Night
Going in to work on a Monday with no sleep is a special kind of hell. I wish I could say that this was all my own fault, that I made bad choices over the weekend and wound up not sleeping as a result because then I could accept the blame and do better in the future. Instead, I’m almost falling over while standing at my desk because I exhaustedly closed my eyes for just a moment and dozed off standing up. Not because I was too wrapped up in a game or a book but because my sleep rhythm is a sensitive creature these days and the disruption of the time changing last Sunday was enough that I wasn’t tired enough to sleep when I went to bed and, instead of eventually drifting off or suddenly waking up in the morning, I just stayed awake. Long enough that I gave up and when to go do some video game chores in the hope that it would either be mind-numbing enough to let my mind unclench or engaging enough that I could stop thinking about being unable to sleep long enough to feel tired. Instead of either of those things happening, I did a lot of shopping for supplies in Final Fantasy 14. I made out like a particularly well-appointed bandit, so I have to admit that this is one of the most productive sleepless nights I’ve ever experienced, but the day after it at work? As I try to stay focused and ride the line between immediate over-caffeination, crashing, and getting kept awake from excessive caffeine intake? That sucks. Monumentally.
Continue reading