Over the weekend, I visited a friend for her birthday and the two of us caught up on some streaming stuff that she was behind on. I was also behind on some of it, on account of having promised to watch it with her and waiting until we had the chance to even think of watching it, but I’d already seen Nimona. I saw it the week following its release, resubscribing to Netflix for the first time in years to do so. I figured my second time through the movie would be less impactful, mostly because the moment-to-moment tension of the movie would be gone after the first viewing, but I figured I’d be familiar with it enough the second time around that I’d start to look for things I missed the first time. More background details. What the other characters in the movie are doing when the movie is directing my attention to a specific place. Subtle nuance I missed in the course of the raw emotions I experienced the first time through. That sort of stuff. Instead, the only difference was that I knew things were coming and was able to eagerly await them rather then be surprised when they showed up. Sure, it was a bit less tense and a bit less moving, but I still felt the same way as when I watched it the first time. I still experienced the same swells of emotion at the same parts, even if they never quite reached the peak of my first time watching the movie. The only thing that was different was that I was watching it with someone else.
Continue readingGender Identity
Trying To Break Free From Identity Defined In Opposition To The World I Live In
While I was mulling over my identity and coming to reflect on the decision I’d made years ago (largely out of self-defense, given how absolutely locked-in I was to my parents’ vision of who they wanted me to be), I was listening to a lot of Friends at the Table. A lot of stuff they said there informed the way I think about my place in contemporary society and the way my identity fits into the world I inhabt. Not because I was entirely unfamiliar with those ideas, but because the thinking they explored as a part of their science-fiction themed seasons (especially Twilight Mirage, their fourth season) helped build on what I’d learned in some of the classes I took in college, in the research I’d done on my own, and the helpful things I’d coincidentally read along the way. One the things that stuck with me the most was the GM, Austin Walker, talking about how he wanted to push the boundaries with their fourth season. I don’t remember the exact quote, but he said something along the lines of “we need to imagine the most radical thing we can and then take it one step further.” The idea being, he explained, that all of us are limited by the world we live in, by the society we’re used to, and that a civilization that had progressed to the very edges of what we could conceptualize would be able to imagine modes of being/ways of life/etc that we couldn’t even conceive of because we are so anchored by the world we know, and that the society he wanted the group to attempt to represent in this season should have progressed beyond even that.
Continue readingExploring Identity As I Search For Community
For most of my life, I was content to accept that I’d never really find an answer to the question that is my identity. I mean, I’ve had thoughts and feelings about my identity (gender, sexual, and otherwise) for as long as I’ve been capable of the abstract thought required to understand that the self is separate from the physical being that other people see and interact with. I just didn’t realize that those thoughts and feelings were not the way that other people felt about themselves until I was in high school. I hadn’t really had much of an opportunity to have conversations about the self with other people, after all, given that I was home schooled and didn’t have many close friends. Plus, I was too busy surviving and protecting my younger siblings to really indulge in that kind of reflection and introspection, especially when a core element of that survival was fulfilling the expectations of my parents. They had assigned me an identity based on what they wanted and expected me to be, so I did my best to play my part. I couldn’t afford to openly ask questions that might show that I was not the person my parents demanded I be, nor did I have the language or energy to have a conversation with myself about it. It wasn’t until years later, when I was almost thirty, that I actually started this conversation with myself and then it was another six months before I even mentioned it to anyone else.
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