One of the worst parts about not sleeping enough over a long period of time is how divorced from reality that level of exhaustion can make you feel. Going without any sleep can rapidly turn bad, making you more susceptible to getting sick or even causing you to hallucinate if you go long enough without just collapsing. Definitely not going to deny how awful all that can be or imply that just being chronically short on sleep is worse than getting zero sleep. I think it’s just a different kind of hell, though. One that varies based on how much sleep you’re missing out on, as compared to what you need to feel functional.
Continue readingInsomnia
Moments of Quiet
It is these moments of quiet,
As my brain creeps toward sleep,
That keep me up at night.
The time before is calm and soft:
Full of lingering traces of all
I have accomplished that day
And everything I desire to do
When I wake on a brand new day.
The time after is strange and quick:
Full of half dreams lost to me
As soon as their story has ended
And small movements that feel fast
As my body begins to slumber.
During, though, there is only silence.
I am left with the darkness of my room
Mirroring a darkness inside of me
I can only manage to drive away
With things that would keep me from sleeping.
During these moments of quiet,
I am the captive audience of my fears
And every single thing that went wrong
During any day I can remember
Plus a few more I had once forgotten.
It is no wonder I do not sleep well
When I cannot bypass these moments
Without crashing from awake to asleep.
Sinking
Whispered words
p like will-o-wisps
Light my foggy mind
p with little lights
That draw me in
p toward unsafe lands
As I stir and stare
p through too-long nights.
Might-have-beens and
p I-should-have-dones
Swamp my listless heart
p with fetid doubts
As I feel and grope
p my way through
My heavy soul’s
p deep and bitter bouts.
One breath
p as I break the surface
And then I slip,
p soundlessly sinking
Without a fight
p into the deeps,
Tired eyes
p all blank and unblinking.