As hectic, busy, and downright exhausting as work has been recently, I’ve actually been enjoying it more. I don’t know if it’s because I have stuff going on in my evenings again or it’s just because I’ve been working more with people I like who appreciate my thoughts and no longer feel like the work I’m doing doesn’t matter. Well, now that I’ve typed it out, I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. Or, you know, both of them with most of the change in outcome being a result of the latter. Feeling like the work I’m doing matters is kind of a big deal to me because there is little more I hate than feeling like I’m wasting my time and going to work every day at a job that felt like it was wasting my time was really not a happy place for me to be, mentally speaking. I mean, I knew the work I was doing mattered, but there were sure a lot of days that it didn’t feel like it did, no matter how much I reassured myself otherwise.
Continue readingReflection
Social Anxiety And Public Speaking Do Not Mix Well
I do not feel like I’m a particularly strong public speaker. It feels weird to admit that, given how readily I take the Game Master’s chair in gaming groups and how willing I am to expound at length on just about any topic I know well, but it’s true. I dislike being the center of attention and am just better at getting over it in smaller group settings. Plus, if you’re making up a fun pretend world for your friends, you are, by definition, the foremost expert in it, so it’s not like you have to worry about being wrong. I recognize that this sort of improvisational skill is an entirely separate thing from public speaking, as is being a good conversationalist, but I frequently feel like I should be good at all three since I’m better than average at two of them. Also, to be entirely fair to myself, I’ve only done a few bits of public speaking after college (and most of my college experiences barely count since it was just to classes of usually fewer than thirty people) and only one of those was a mild disaster.
Continue readingMy 1000th Post: Today is the Day Tears of the Kingdom is Released
As this goes up, I am sitting in the parking lot of my local Best Buy. Either in my car or in the folding chair I keep in my trunk near the door. I think my Pro Controller for my switch is dying, since I’m getting a lot of weird input lag and short bursts of unresponsiveness that seems to be getting worse rather than staying the same or getting better, so I’m going to try to get one of the Tears of the Kingdom themed Pro Controllers if this store has any [they did not, but I managed to order one online that will arrive while I’m in New Jersey]. I’m not sure they will, since there is no guarantee that they’ll actually have in-store units of any hardware these days, now that scalpers buy up everything instantly. If I can’t get it today, I will probably wait to see if they ever restock rather than picking up a normal one. After all, I regretted just buying an OLED switch when I wanted one rather than waiting for what I figured was the inevitable upgrade or special edition unit that I just had to buy.
Continue readingBurnout Extinguished My Enthusiasm
The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom comes out in two days and I’m too tired to be excited about it. Sure, I know I’ll have a blast playing it, but I’m too worn down to feel anything but base acknowledgment of what this impending moment means. I’ve been waiting for this game for six years, ever since I beat Breath of the Wild for the first time and knew there had to be more based on the DLC announcements and the rumors swirling around it. After all, if they had so many great ideas for what else they could do with the game via DLC, then it stood to reason that they’d make another one. Now, six years after that thought entered my head, I only feel more tired when I think about it.
Continue readingProblem-Solving Via Repetitive Work And The Back Of My Mind
I spent my entire afternoon turning something on and then off and then on again. That’s kind of par-to-the-course for my job, since I’m a tester and sometimes what I’m testing is what happens when I turn a thing off and back on. This time, I was helping a coworker chase down a really bad issue he ran into a couple times in the last twenty-four hours. The likelihood of it ever happening was low, but it was a significant enough issue that the off-chance of it happen was so bad that we dropped everything to work on hunting this bug down. After a few hours of work, though, we never managed to reproduce it, which usually means there is another hidden step somewhere in the process that we missed during today’s work. Such is the nature of testing, though. Lots of effort for zero pay off, sometimes, paired with the possibility that we’re going to find the issue the instant we stop looking for it. It can be a tiring, frustrating job at times.
Continue readingMaking The Most of My Horrible Housing Shituation
I’ve spent most of my time over the past month either hunting for a place to live, evaluating if I should buy a house, streaming, or writing. And, you know, working, sleeping, eating, commuting, etc. I’ve pretty much buttoned up every hour of my day and while it can feel exhausting to be doing something constantly, it nice to be on my grind again. I like having stuff to do and, until this month, didn’t have the mental energy to push myself to get anything done beyond what absolutely NEEDED to be done. Now, after the my trip and subsequent recovery, I’m feeling pretty primed for action. Most of the time, anyway.
Continue readingMeandering Thoughs About Apartment Hunting And Moving
As I’ve buried myself more and more deeply into apartment hunting (a task that requires daily effort given how quickly places are getting snapped up), it has been interesting to collect data and try to figure out the trends that I’m seeing. Sure, I’ve only been at it for about two weeks as of writing this (which is hardly a conclusive amount of data), but most of this stuff has held true throughout, to the point where I’m already making decisions based on it and seeing those assumptions pay off. Not in a huge way, unfortunately, since I still haven’t found a place to live, but in ways that are validating of my process and that make my life a bit easier (since it largely amounts to having an easier time winnowing the chaff). Now, I can get a decent scan of new apartments and an evaluation of which to contact in about fifteen minutes, across my four main sites.
Continue readingA Bite-Sized Gripe About Capitalism
These days, there seem to be a lot of signs that capitalism is ruining the world in ways both big and small. Most of the big ways are so large and complex that it’s difficult to tie systemic failures and the designs of capitalism together unless you’ve spent time learning the ins and outs of the systems connecting them. The idea is nothing new, of course, since activists of various affiliations have been pointing it out for decades now and we’ve seen a recent surge of attention to this fact as capitalist society continues to rot from the inside out in a way that makes it more and and more difficult to ignore unless you are emotionally or financially invested in pretending that this sinking ship of an economic theory is actually good for people. Still, that’s a little difficult to appreciate and far beyond my scope as a writer to discuss at length (due to a lack of expertise in economic theory, not skill at witing), so I’m going to narrow my scope to a common frustration that I’m sure we can all relate to: scalpers.
Continue readingA Protein Most Fowl Fuels My Apartment Hunting (and Workouts)
Between all the streaming and trying to get back into the swing of daily life after my trip to Spain, I’ve spent most of my free moments either hunting for a new apartment, figuring out how much it would cost to buy a house, or trying to continue improving my workout and dietary habits. I’ve had the whole working out and going on vigorous walks thing down for one and two years respectively, so now I’m trying to incorporate some more healthy diet decisions. Nothing as (personally) anxiety-inducing as counting calories or following any of the recent fad diets. I’m just trying to make small, incremental changes that will help me live a longer and happier life.
Continue readingIdentity, Masks, and The Self
I’ve been playing this Dungeons and Dragons character, currently known as “Lewis” to the rest of the party, for about two years now. He hasn’t really changed much since I first came up with the character concept at his core, but the themes I want to explore with him have shifted over time, as I’ve reflected on the similarities between myself and this character I’ve made. Initially, I wanted to explore what it looked like to be in a relationship that was not toxic to the people involved in it, but to the people who encounter those involved in it. I was planning to play it out through a modified Warlock and Patron relationship, which the Dungeon Master seemed to be on board with, but that idea lost its luster over time and has faded to the background. There will still be elements of it, I’m sure, throughout the rest of the campaign (or however long this character survives), but now I’m more interested in a theme that has had more relevance in my daily life, that I sort of incidentally worked into the character: how long can you pretend to be something before you become it?
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