The problem with having some grand, magical plans for reflection and processing difficult memories, is that life so rarely aligns with these kind of intentions. I’d initially planned to have my week off set aside as a time to reflect, to journal a bit, and to prepare myself for the months ahead, but pretty much none of that has happened and it seems like very little of it will happen. Life got in the way.
I spent most of my birthday at work (keep in mind these post a week after I write them), then spent the next two hours in the car stuck in traffic because a 40-minute trip for my favorite take out turned into two hours stuck in standstill traffic on the highway because it was shut down for nightly construction SUPER early and everyone else on the road with me was driving like a maniac. I am not kidding when I say that, nor am I being hyperbolic. I saw TWO PEOPLE pull into the construction lanes and send orange barrels flying as they drove through them. Even the shrunken shoulder of the highway was used, despite barely having the space for a car to pass between the lines and the barrier. It was chaos and nerve-wracking.
I did eventually get to enjoy my food and milkshake, though. Settled on my couch, in my pajamas, as I started a rewatch of an old favorite of mine (Better Off Ted, which hits different now than it did when I was in college), I managed to salvage my evening. Today, though, has been frustrating as I’ve paid bills, set my budget for the month (gotta adjust it now that I’m paying my government student loan payments again), and then had to call my ISP to adjust my service since a promotional price ended and they apparently signed me up for Showtime without my consent. That was fun.
Now, with most of my work finished and me turning my attention to my hobbies and writing (which is still work but a different kind of work: this stuff is super fulfilling), I’m discovering that my entire morning is gone. Not sure where it all went, even though I can account for every minute that passed, but I’m starting to feel like time is slipping away from me faster than I can use it. Which is a weird feeling, let me tell you.
One thing I’ve always been able to depend on is my accurate sense of the passage of time. I rarely feel like I’ve lost time or that it has slipped away from me, because I can usually tell how much time has passed in any given period within about plus or minus five minutes. And it’s not like I watch the clock. I specifically don’t do that, actually, unless I’m trying to make time crawl. I just have a good sense of the passage of time and can sorta tune into and out of it as I wish. Even when it feels like the day has passed quickly, it rarely feels like it passed too-quickly. Usually, when I feel like the day got away from me or that time has vanished, it’s more of an expression than an actual feeling. I know that time passed. I was there. I experienced it. So the fact that today feels like it is actually slipping out of my hands and like time passed that I missed is significant.
I’d make a joke about getting old and losing my edge, but I’m only a day older than yesterday and let me tell you, I was VERY aware of the passage of time yesterday. It’s probably a mix of procrastination, tiredness from my hefty morning bike ride (hefty for me, anyway), and the “open by design” plan I have for my next few days. There’s very little to be done that has any kind of due-date or time limit, so I’m kinda just meandering my way through my days. It’s relaxing, which is the goal, but still a little concerning. I don’t like feeling like I’ve lost time, but maybe I need to get used to not being aware of each passing minute. It’s probably not healthy.