I might have a small problem. I’ve been playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIV and while I haven’t lost control of my life, I’m still showing up for work, and I’m still attending to all my responsibilities, I am also absolutely at a loss for what to do with myself tonight (the day I’m writing this) while the game is down for its next major update (going from version 7.1 to 7.2). I mean, I’ve got stuff I could be doing and that I probably will wind up doing once I’m done here, but I am absolutely feeling adrift as I think about the fact that I can’t just keep playing FFXIV with all of my free time. Aside from a few planned breaks here or there, largely intended to take care of specific tasks or watch some Hunter x Hunter to prepare for the next episode of Media Club Plus, I haven’t taken a night off of playing Final Fantasy 14. I certainly haven’t avoided playing it any time I’ve WANTED to play it. Until tonight. Tonight, I’ve had to refocus myself multiple times as my mind has wandered off to think about what I’d like to do in the game. It’s been annoying. Minorly annoying, sure, but annoying all the same. It makes sense the game would need to be down for maintenance in order for them to update all the servers and everything (that’s a pretty monumental undertaking), but I still feel modestly frustrated by it as I’ve had to think about what to start spending my time on instead. I mean, I haven’t really started ANYTHING since I began playing Final Fantasy 14, other than Slay the Princess. Closest I’ve come aside from that was playing a bit over an hour of Wanderstop and I had to stop that because it was going to make it more difficult to keep myself working. Which, you know, is a pretty moot point right now given that I’ve taken the rest of the week (as of me writing this) off.

Which is why the game being “down for maintenance” feels like a whole damn mood. I went through one day of work and got so wiped out that I had to take off the rest of the week. Sure, I was super sick last week. Sure, I’m incredibly burned out. Sure, I’m absolutely on the verge of collapse due to how hard I’ve been pushing myself for the last few years (and the last three months in particular), but that’s no reason for me to feel so exhausted that the realization that I could just take the rest of the week off made me tear up with relief. But I did. And I am. And once I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep, I’m going to play as much Final Fantasy 14 as I can. I’d initially though about avoiding the game while I was on my break, to make sure I wasn’t investing too deeply in one thing, but that feels kind of silly at this point. Why deny myself something I genuinely enjoy? It’s not like playing this game is going to stop me from going to bed when I get tired or keep me from doing my exercises every morning. I mean, even on the weekends, I rarely start playing it before mid-afternoon since this game is clearly more of a marathon that a sprint. I’m not trying to do it all in one day, just sort of keep up a decent pace and make sure I’m actually having fun.

I’ve been keeping a close eye on myself these last three months. The last thing I want is for my new fixation to become an actual problem. Like I said above, I think I’ve managed to avoid that so far (I also haven’t spent a ton of money on it, either), so I think I’m mostly in the clear. I say “mostly” because I actually haven’t spent a lot of time physically around people this year. Aside from my coworkers, anyway, and they hardly count for this since I’m not really spending time with them so much as spending time working and coincidentally being near them. If anything needs to change, it’s that. I really should spend more time physically around people. Be more present with the few folks I’ve got in the area. Go out of my apartment for stuff other than groceries, necessities, and work. Maybe see a movie or go for a hike. Anything, really. I get enough fresh air to stay healthy thanks to my daily walks and I’m working on getting back into balanced and healthy exercise routines, so I’m not worried on that front. I just, you know, need to spend some time around non-digital people. Or at least people I can reach out and touch, since most of the people I talk to aren’t digital but aren’t exactly physically present, either.

Still, at least I’ve finally found some amount of fun community. I’ve been looking for a group of people to feel like I belong with and I’ve found it in through this game, which also provides plenty of easy entertainment and and escapism. I need a lot of those latter two things these days, what with everything going on in the world, and so it’s difficult to deny myself the fun reward that is coming home after a long day at work and settling in for a couple hours of Final Fantasy 14. Plus, it’s difficult not to enjoy the sort of perfected self you can create via these sort of online games, where people only ever know you as your avatar, rather than knowing the meat suit you drive around the rest of the time. I don’t hate my meatsuit, not exactly, but I don’t mind escaping it when I’ve got the chance, so this game ticks pretty much every single box I’ve got other than “physically present near others.” If an online game ever manages to tick that box, though, that’ll be a real dramatic shift in the world. I’d love to play whatever game does it first, but I’m not holding my breath. It’ll be a long time before that kind of immersive experience ever becomes possible.