I’ve been busy. Normally, I’d dig deep and find the time or energy to write a blog post no matter how busy work was, but my days and nights have had a lot going on. Monday, after I wrote the one blog post I published earlier this week, I had my weekly hangout with my friend. Tuesday was my night away from my PC (though I still wound up spending some time there to take care of a few things) to watch more of The Sopranos so I could listen to the next Media Club Plus episode. Then Wednesday night I worked right up until I had to leave so I could scarf down some kind of dinner and then go do wing farming with my group. After that, I realized I was behind schedule on producing some stuff for my free company, so I spent a bunch of time on that and crafting collectibles to turn in. Tonight, I haven’t got anything planned, but it is my third super busy work day in a row and I’ll admit I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to energy. I just… Haven’t had the time or energy to write. So I didn’t.

It feels strange to not be holding myself to a “daily posts” standard anymore. I think it would be an easy argument to say that I haven’t done that in a while, given how often I’ve been taking days off and losing my buffer lately, so I’m not sure this week is particularly noteworthy for having “unannounced” days off. I mean, I usually post when there’s going to be empty days on my blog, but I rarely post elsewhere about it, so maybe there’s little difference to most of my readers. None of them have said anything to me or remarked about it at all, so who knows. I’m… trying to be less hard on myself. I’m trying to focus my energy where it needs to go and to direct my attention in ways that will be more useful. While it does feel good to have a bunch of posts lined up, ready to go, for this blog, it doesn’t really have a use for me. Venting here can be good, but there’s a limited application for that. Organizing my thoughts by writing here is also quite benefcial, but I can do that anywhere. So much of my life is “do the thing(s) and keep going until something resolves” still, so I’m not really sure what else I could or should be doing.

Another job opened up for my employer. I knew it was coming, so I was able to submit an application on the first day, but now that just means I have to wait longer to hear anything. I think I should have a very good chance at it. I honestly think the only people more qualified for it than I are people who held it previously. Still, convincing other people to believe that is not as easily done and I worry about getting my hopes up or getting overconfident and then having to reckon with a subsequent crash if I failed to actually get it. I do not know what that would do to me. It would not be good, since this is as ideal a scenario I can find and my past six months of jobs have only turned up exactly one interview, which barely counts because it was for a job with my current employer that had already been filled and I only got the interview because internal candidates ALWAYS get an interview. So. It’s been months of silence and rejection and losing a surprise and unexpected shot at a job I think I am perfect for would… I don’t know. It wouldn’t be more than I could handle, but it would really take a lot out of me and there isn’t much left to take out these days.

It’s difficult not to see this job as a potential source of salvation. Chances are very good I’d make more at this job than I do in my current one even with all my overtime, and it would be salaried so I’d be doing only forty hours of work a week every week (which would be amazing) since there’d be no reason to do more. Having that extra time every day could be exactly what I need to turn things around in my life. More rest every day. Time and energy to actually cook better meals more frequently. More time in my evenings. Just… more time in general. Less stress. It wouldn’t fix everything and my life wouldn’t miraculously get better every day, but it would be the first significant positive change in my life in… I don’t know how long. That’s why I’ve been job hunting despite my exhaustion and the constant rejection. I stand to gain so much from a more healthy work-life balance and better pay. Two of my biggest sources of stress would be gone. No more need to push myself through physical exhaustion. No more balancing my exhaustion and burnout against my finances. Gone would be the calculous I do every Friday to determine if I can afford to leave work yet. No more staggering home at eight in the evening and needing to basically eat and go to bed if I want enough sleep and always choosing to stay up because I need some kind of joy or even just satisfaction in my days. So much potential. I just… I really need this to work out. I really hope it does.