Pensive Rest

One of the best feelings in my life right now is waking up slowly. To be able to slowly swim to consciousness from the pure darkness of a dreamless sleep. To slowly resurface into the world around me as I slip free of a dream that has held me within its embrace through the night. To know it doesn’t matter when I’ve come to awareness because there is nothing going on that needs my time or attention until I’m ready to give it. Even when I haven’t slept enough to feel properly rested, it still feels comforting to know that I can take my time waking up or that I can just go back to sleep if I feel like it. Having that choice is a wonderful feeling.

I wish I could live like this every day. I’ve never much cared for clocks (initially because I had an impeccable sense of time and now because the endless demands of punctuality and labor from living in the ruins built by capitalism mean that most of what should be my time is not just my own) and I have gone out of my way to find ways to avoid adding any more than I must have to my household. I’ve come to enjoy not knowing what time it is and living my life based on what time it seems to be, half based on the sun’s cycle and half based on how I feel (Meal time? Sleep time? Activity time?). I wish I could live like this always, detached from the rise and grind mentality of living in a late-stage capitalist society. I was not made for living this kind of life. I suspect none of us were.

I was made for a less structured life. After all, I enjoy structure, but only structure I’ve adopted or created for myself. I hate structure that has been imposed on me. Like the day-night cycle. I’d much rather have six 28-hour days than the seven 24-hour days we’ve currently got, but I wouldn’t mind adopting a life according to the cycle of the sun for maybe eight of the twelves months out of the year. I could deal with day and night being set by the sun for most of the year and, if it was an all of nothing sort of option, I’d look into hibernation. Sunrise and sunset seem like just enough structure to help me keep myself from losing my mind, but not so much that I’d ever really chafe under them. After all, I could always do some stuff after dark, just not really active stuff. It’d be nice to live so freely.

If we got rid of clocks entirely, I think I’d be fine. It would be rough to live without computers, but I think I’d adjust quickly. My typing speed isn’t so fast that I can’t use a typewriter, so I’d be able to keep up my writing stuff. I’d miss having a blog, but I wouldn’t miss social media. I use Twitter plenty, but I think I’d benefit from taking reading breaks at work instead of browsing social media. I guess it’s just more socially acceptable to be staring at your phone than a book. Though, come to think of it, a lot of that social acceptance feels like it’s based on the same people who had no problem interrupting you while you’re reading, so I’m not sure why anyone would think a phone is fine when a book isn’t. Maybe I’ll give it a shot at work next week and see how it goes. Collect some data and whatnot. Regardless, it would be nice to live in a world without computers and precise timekeeping. Who cares if someone is a couple minutes late to a meeting? Who cares if you’re five or ten minutes late to dinner (unless the food is getting cold, at which point that’s kinda just rude)? It’s not like I’ve ever attended a meeting that used every single minute scheduled and no more. They either ran over, got cut short, or ended early. A few minutes at the start doesn’t cost anyone anything.

Plus, the expectation of immediate response would be gone. I’ve grown very fond of turning off read receipts on all my messaging platforms and taking the same courtesies I extend to others. I don’t expect people to respond immediately unless we’ve had an established back-and-forth going on for a few minutes. If I’m just sending off a message out of the blue, I expect to get an answer eventually. Sometimes days. Sometimes even a week or more with a few people. So now I’ve started taking my time to respond to things, both at work and in my personal life. It’s nice to not be pressuring myself to know what to say immediately, to know how I feel immediately, and to set aside whatever I’m doing so I can give all of my attention to whoever messaged me. Honestly, the only thing I’d miss if all computers vanished is video games, and I’d probably not even miss them that much because I wouldn’t know they were a thing I might be missing. I am, after all, mostly motivated by FOMO to keep up with most new video games these days. It would be pretty relaxing, I bet. I’d read a lot more.

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