Post Vacation Check-In

Well, I had a great time. There’ll be more coming about all that (especially once I’ve had time to sort through pictures and decide what is going where when it comes to social media and my blog here), but I wanted to interrupted my previously planned posting order to do a few updates about my schedule. I’ll get those out of the way quick so I can talk about something more fun/contemplative for the rest of the post.

There will be no Infrared Isolation post tomorrow (the 8th) or on the 15th. I need a bit more time to get my feet under me after that trip, since it took more out of me than I expected and I wound up getting a pretty hefty sinus-based cold, likely thanks to the number of temperature, elevation, atmospheric pressure, and humidity changes I went through during my almost two weeks of travel. I tend to get sinus colds any time the temperature and pressure shift significantly over a day or two, so I imagine this is something similar, but more of a result of my rapidly changing geographic location than due to weather patterns in the Midwest. Plus, taking a bit more time now, as I adjust to getting back into the swing of my old routines, will make it easier to do the apartment and job hunting that I’ve allocated to this month. I’m kind of running out of time, at this point, since my lease ends at the end of June, and I need to get my shit figured out sooner rather than later.

I’ve pretty much resigned myself to living further away from work and the friends I still have in the city. I don’t think it can be avoided unless I want to pay more for rent or settle for unknown roommates that I might not really get along with. Which, you know, is not something I’m certain I want to contend with, at this point in time. I’ve got enough on my plate without adding a bunch of people I don’t know to my living situation. That said, though, I’ve had a lot of success over the past few days of pushing myself out of my comfort zone, so maybe I need to do more of that rather than less. I tend toward waiting and overthinking things rather than acting, even if I know things probably won’t go nearly as poorly as I think they will.

Which, you know, is probably a lesson I could stand to apply to a very wide swath of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time withdrawing, retreating, and turning inward over the past four or five years, now, and I think it’s time to stop. Sure, I definitely grew a lot during that period and I think that some of that growth was pretty substantial, given how I feel about myself and my emotional well-being most days, but I think that period needs to end. It is time to emerge from my cocoon. The drought is over and it is time to flourish. I have met the requirements to evolve and now must merely level up one more time. I have unlocked my next digivolution. I am ready to assume my next form. So on and so forth.

I don’t really have a practical idea for what any of this means, though. It’s not like things have substantially changed since before the trip. It’s not like I’m any different. All that really happened is that I’m aware that the growth I needed has occurred and I should stop coming up with excuses to keep my distance. Most of this stuff isn’t even occurring me to the first time. I’ve been talking about it on and off with my therapist all year already. I just had a trial by fire, so to speak, as some of my worst-but-still-somewhat-likely “what if” scenarios played out, and yet I emerged largely unscathed (my poor sinuses and one of my favorite socks seem to be the only casualties so far). All the proof I should need to get moving and worry less.

Such things are easier said than done, of course. I feel myself resisting doing anything I’ve been considering even now. I want to say it’s because of my sinus cold and how groggy/tired I feel today (I wrote this yesterday), but I know that’s a convenient excuse. Some of this stuff is conceptually terrifying to me, not just in the “what if it doesn’t go the way I want” ways but also in the “what if it does go the way I want” ways. Change is difficult, even if it is change for the better. Life can be miserable but easier to handle when you’ve got nothing to lose. Giving yourself things you care about, incorporating people you care about, and finally taking risks for a better future means you finally might have to contend with failure and fresh loss or grief again. If you’re used to just being miserable, it can seem like a much safer alternative to taking risks.

I’ve been telling myself that, someday, I’m going to need to act again. That all of my preparations and effort will only be able to set me up for potential success in the future, not actually deliver it to me. Well, today might not be the day to act on everything, but it’s definitely time to start figuring out how and when.

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