What A Fucking Day

Somehow, I’ve managed to get almost everything done. It helps that one of the events I’m trying to catch up for is going to be late in the day tomorrow, so I should have enough time to get through it all. All of which only really applied until the rest of today happened. For a lot of reasons, the day I wrote this (November 19th, 2021) has been exhausting, draining, and just miserable. I don’t want to go into it all because it is either nothing surprising/unexpected or personal to the point that talking about it would take more writing and emotional effort than I have in me to give.

Now I just feel like staring at a wall until I fall asleep or playing a game to distract myself so I can get some kind of momentary escape. Depression is rough, and it really doesn’t help when environmental factors just dig the hole even deeper. At least I can escape it, though, if I try hard enough. I recognize that privelege and how frequently I employ it these days.

I want to make some kind of comment about how things could be better, about the kind of world we could make and live in if we just worked some shit out. If popular opinion was actually respected rather than the weight of money behind words being the primary driving force in my culture and government. If people who inflict harm on others could truly be held accountable, if there was an objective system around to deliver justice and to protect those who need protection. But those thoughts curdle in die quickly these days as it feels like change and improvement only get further away, as the awful systems of this country only get made worse by those who wish to use them to not just stay in power but grow in power. I know things were always this bad, that these systems were never good, but it really feels like they’re actively being made worse.

I’m willing to admit that it might just be my own perspective here, that I’m more aware of the wider world and its injustices beyond just the world I grew up in and the injustices of my every day, but it’s difficult to tell. I grew up with such a limited view of the world, in such a small, confined reality that it’s difficult to contextualize the broader world. I grew up as a victim of those who had power over me, neglected by those who were supposed to protect and care for me, and I thought the wider world was more just than the microcosm of my family. I quickly learned I was wrong, and I might just be continuing to learn how wrong I was rather than that the world is worsening. I don’t know. I do my best, but I’m still just a single white guy in what remains of the middle class trying to listen more than he speaks. I fuck up constantly and do my best to learn from it, but I’ve got a long way to go in terms of understanding the lives of others, even if I can empathize with them.

I wish I had a positive note to end on, a way to spin things around with hope for tomorrow, hope for change, hope for a better life, but these cycles just repeat themselves and I can’t even get my parents to understand how I feel or how their behaviors and choices were wrong. How can I hope to help change the world if I can’t even help change my family? Tomorrow, the day after, next week… There will be time for hope and effort and change, but today… Well, today just sucks and I think that we all need to acknowledge how bad it sucks and how things have always sucked.

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