I originally had a post about trying to find new games to play, other than Final Fantasy 14 (and succeeding), but then the last weekend happened so I shuffled my posts around a bit and now you get this. Turns out the officers in my FC were preparing to do something about the complaints they’d received. Turns out my silence was noticed. Turns out doing something isn’t better than doing nothing every time. Sometimes fissures and cracks split open into yawning chasms. Despite my attempts to take some time to calm down and keep up my personal obligations to the group, the leader of said FF14 player guild decided that he did not appreciate the officers trying to change his behavior, did not appreciate people he viewed as dissidents, and decided to just remove people and lock things down rather than listen or open a dialogue. That’s his choice. He owns the server, he owns the Free Company (the player guild) and he can do what he wants. Everyone he removed, all of whom were pillars of the community we’ve been ejected from, have decided to go on and do our own thing somewhere else. An era of my life is over and all we can do is try to put the community back together, such as we can, and move forward from here.

I wasn’t as prepared for this as I thought I’d be. I mean, I also thought I’d be leaving on my own terms, not getting kicked out while I was playing D&D with my friends (who are all also in this community). It was a rude interruption, even setting aside the way it went down. I went into crisis management mode immediately since I had, in fact, been doing some preparations. I had begun the process to have this infrastructe ready. It wasn’t ready yet, but it could be made ready fairly quickly. So, between talking to my D&D friends as we all reeled and talking to the other people who got kicked out immediately, I went from staggered to acting as quickly as I could despite feeling pretty miserable about the whole thing (and in general because I hadn’t slept well and my neck/shoulder muscles are in rough shape). After all, there was work to be done. A discord to help set up (a thing I’ve been practicing and researching). An in-game FC to repopulate and start power-leveling (using resources I’ve been holding onto just-in-case). People to reach out to, plans to make, and emotions to ignore. All on top of preparing myself for a rough week at work that’s getting made even more difficult by my boss insisting I set appropriate boundaries and not work incredibly late into the night. Which is all well and good until two more things go wrong and then, suddenly, the work that needs doing doesn’t get done.

Now, between repetitive tests and trying to manage what little other work I can, I am doing my best to stay involved in the community as it recovers and flourishes. All I want is to be at home, talking to people and playing games and reminding myself constantly that a community isn’t a place, it’s a group of people. The place I’ve called home, where I’ve made more friends than in maybe every year since I graduated college, is gone. I was removed from it. I was not given a choice. And all I can do is try to make the best of what remains with all the people I cared about. Work can be redone. Processes and structures can be rebuild. But the wound to this community, thanks to one man being unwilling to listen and the power trip that sent him on, is going to take a long time to heal. It helps that so many of us are gathering to do that healing, that all of my preparations have been useful, but a fourteen hour day at work while thec ommunity grows and talks and connects while I have to post messages scattered around the new discord between busy periods at work is not helping how I’m feeling.

Even if I saw this coming. Even if I was working on rationalizing my own decision to leave. Even if I was sort of ready for this. It still hits hard. I’m struggling to deal with the grief of it all. I won’t miss the man who made this happen, but I will miss the way things used to be when it was just a bunch of us having a good time. I will miss my old haunts, the places I used to idle, and the people I used to talk to who decided that this was not too severe of a line crossed for them to carry on. I am excited to help build what comes next. I am excited to take this moment to reinvigorate the community. I’m looking forward to seeing how far we go now that we are no longer being contained by a man whose vision was limited to only his own eyes and experiences. I hope he and everyone who stayed with him can work things out and find a way to enjoy the game again. I hope the community doesn’t crumble out from underneath those who needed it. I hope people can be comfortable and content in a way I never was, even if I did find joy and friendship and community there. I just wanted the best for people. That’s all. I can’t be everything to everyone, I know, but I hoped I could do at least a little something to keep the lights on. I’m glad people saw that. I’m glad I could do that for everyone. I’m just sad that it all played out this way.