Being Human

I’ve been avoiding doing a journal-ish post on here for a bit since I’ve felt pretty crummy due to a recurring health issue. I wrote about it as the focus of my last journal post and since then I’ve tried to focus on more positive things like video games and music and stuff that brings me joy (or at least gives me something to think and talk about in the case of Baldur’s Gate 3). I’ve done so because, honestly, this whole eye thing on top of everything else makes me feel pretty miserable and I feel like writing posts about myself at times like this is just endless, fruitless whining.

Venting has a place in any healthy life, of course. I would never take that away from myself or from other people. But if I spend all my time venting, I wind up focusing on negativity constantly. I don’t think we should deny negativity and I’m not about to tell you that life is what you make of it (because that implies we have more control over our lives that we do), but intention matters. If I vent because I intend to get a momentary reprieve before I haul myself back to my feet and carry on with whatever is happening, that’s fine. If I vent because I’m just miserable and lonely and want to not be alone in my misery and loneliness, that’s not fine. That’s bringing the people around me down into the misery and loneliness, not letting them help me out.

There is, of course, a whole lot of nuance to this sort of thing that is ignored by any sort of “doctrine” or single way of thinking. Positivity doctrine is toxic as hell, but so is unfettered sharing that demands emotional energy from other people. Finding balance with those around you is really the only way to establish what is right for the well-being of everyone involved. And since this blog is me sharing with a mostly unresponsive internet-at-large and largely folks I don’t know, I set my boundaries based on what I’m comfortable with. I want to avoid making this blog a place of endless venting and negativity, I want to avoid associating writing blog posts with negative feelings, but I also want to feel free to express myself. I’ve always struggled with feeling like my thoughts and feelings don’t matter, so this blog needs to respect all of my thoughts and feelings, not just the ones I think other people care about or are interested in.

To that end, it’s been an exhausting week. Nothing major, yet, though I’m about to go see a specialist for my eye problems and who knows what might come of that. I expect it will be a long course of eyedrops or pills based on the initial visit I had, but it could still be anything. There’s a lot of “let’s get this flare up under control and then figure out what’s going on” happening, so I’m trying to avoid speculation or worry since the range of likely explanations is huge. I’m trying to focus on how this pushed me to enjoy some new video games while I was resting and how nice it feels to be able to see out of both eyes with my usual level of clarity. Going from being incredibly sensitive to light to being a normal amount is a huge deal when most of your life involves screens (work, writing, video games, and most communication in this pandemic age of ours).

Which isn’t to say that this doesn’t still suck. I have to remember medication times, various eye drops, drinking way more water than normal, having food on hand for medication times, and trying to fit all that in without disrupting what is my current “normal” since it’s all that’s keeping my functioning right now. It’s rough out here for all kinds of reasons, even if I’m also enjoying things I might not have taken the time to experience without a reason to break my daily routines.

I am a complex individual with a wide range of varied emotions and thoughts, some of which are actively in conflict with each other. It’s a fairly normal human experience, but it can be difficult to allow myself the room to think and feel all of these things throughout my day-to-day life. Especially when I also have to give more time to the capitalist grind so I can afford my medications and doctor’s appointments.

So… Yeah. Things have been good and bad lately, and while I’ve been focusing on the good for a while, I’m taking today to feel the full range of my experience. You should take some time for that, too, if you haven’t already.

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